Survivor: Rita glossed out

As is 'Survivor: Fiji' tradition, the episode kicked off with the losers at Ravioli lamenting their sad and pathetic fate. Michelle interviewed how skinny they were looking due to lack of food (not that she was Beth Ditto before, mind you) while Yau-Man wished he had something other than a machete to dig up the immunity idol.

Cheer up, guys! You have flies! And palm fronds! That's luxury right there.

Armed with his not-very-spadelike machete, Yau-Man teamed up with Earl to try and find the immunity idol. Earl would lead the tribe away while Yau-Man would conveniently stay behind and figure out a way to explain away all the holes at the entrance of the cave when the tribe returned.

Operation Decoy went into action and Earl led the Raviolis away to hunt for crabs. Wonder what excuse Yau-Man gave for staying behind? Bad crab allergy? At any rate, his search did not appear to be successful due to the difficulty of digging with a machete. He should borrow a spare bulldozer from Motorola.

The first challenge's treemail featured lots of pictures and very few words, just the way 'Survivor' contestants like it. Each tribe had to choose two rewards from a list and the winning tribe would get both tribes' rewards. The Raviolis drooled over chocolate cake and other sugary delicacies but Earl was there to make them see sense. They wisely chose fishing gear and energy-filled potatoes.

Since the Motorolans have almost everything they could possibly desire, they went for the far more extraneous rewards of toiletries and coffee. I look forward to the day when the Motorolans are so fat, they have to be rolled to the challenges.

Fiji Fight Club

The Reward Challenge was Fiji Fight Club. The first rule of Fiji Fight Club is: don't talk about Fiji Fight Club. The second rule is: don't get any mud on Jeff's hair or he'll disqualify you.

Rocky, a master in the art of watching boxing movies, trash-talked Motorola to psyche himself up. Motorola's reaction was a collective "Ha-ha!" Nelson Muntz-style. Rocky zeroed in on Dreamz especially, and vowed to beat him.

He didn't have long to wait. The first bout was between Rocky and Dreamz. Rocky twisted and turned. He weaved in and out. He floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee. Well, a bee with no venom. Dreamz was able to easily push him out of the ring and into the mud.

Rocky got beaten by a cheerleader! Fantastic! Maybe if he'd gone off into the woods for a training montage to an inspirational '80s power ballad, he might have done better.

The rest of Ravioli's bouts did not go much better. When your best fighter is Yau-Man, you know you have a problem. Yes, the shrimpy fifty-something who weighs forty Ks soaking wet was the only one who won a round for Ravioli.

In Ravioli's defense, this was more of a weight challenge than anything else. Since Motorola is the one tribe which might have to go straight to 'The Biggest Loser' when it leaves 'Survivor', it stands to reason it would have the advantage.

Coffee brewing

The Motorolans returned to their five-star abode, threw their latest set of fishing gear onto a pile with the rest, and made themselves some coffee. Oh dear, decaf Dreamz is chipper enough. How much worse will he be hopped up on caffeine?

Dreamz set to work trying to make the coffee but was confounded. The poor guy's only exposure to coffee has probably been licking the used filters he found in dumpsters. Lisi and Stacy, whose usual reaction to Dreamz is to pointedly ignore him, snottily told him exactly how to make the coffee. Could you inject a little more condescension into that explanation yet, girls? I don’t think you’ve quite established yourself as raging hellbitches yet.

Alex, who appears to one of the very few brainy and/or decent member of Motorola, expressed his irritation at Lisi and Stacy for their general rudeness toward Dreamz and Cassandra. He argued that just because they weren't in the Boo/Lisi/Alex/Stacy/Edgardo alliance didn't mean there was a reason to treat them like dirt. He invoked the name of karma. Honestly, Karma seems to be too busy screwing around with Ravioli to notice what Lisi and Stacy are doing. Maybe someone could call it up on the Karma-phone?