The long-awaited fourteenth season of 'Survivor' kicked off with Jeff Probst giving us the usual spiel from a helicopter. If you've seen any of the promos, you'll know what's what. Basically, blah blah castaways blah blah backstabbing blah blah who will win a million dollars and claim the title of blah blah.

What's new about this season? There are sea snakes, two hidden Imunity Idols instead of one, and nineteen wannabe millionaires. There would have been twenty but some wuss chickened out and quit just before the show began. My insider sources tell me it was someone named Indiana who pulled out because, in his own words: "Snakes. I hate snakes."

Our nineteen castaways had to row to their new island home. A quick glance revealed that Mark Burnett must have learned something from 'Survivor: Race Wars' because this cast is almost as diverse as last season's. There seem to be fewer interchangeable generically good-looking people too.

On landing, the castaways found themselves at a loss. Jeff was nowhere to be seen and they hadn't even been divided into tribes yet. I was rather hoping the big twist was that Jeff was never going to show up at all and they really were going to have to survive for once, Lord of the Flies-style.

Robinson Crusoe

If I were to place money on any of them surviving that scenario, it would definitely be the short, skinny, old guy. Yau Man. He immediately got his Robinson Crusoe on and started opening coconuts like they were coke cans. He explained to the other castaways he had been born and grown up in the wilds of Borneo. Wonderful! I look forward to many entertaining scenes of him showing up the city kids and strong Alpha types.

The castaways introduced themselves to one another. Since there were about seventy of them standing around, most of whom didn't get any lines, I'm not going to name them all. I will however tell you there are people named Dreamz, Boo and Mookie. I suppose it's better than the thirteen Jens and nine Robs we have to tell apart each season.

There's also a guy named Rocky, nicknamed because of an unfortunate resemblance to Sylvester Stallone. When he talks, he also sounds like he took one too many punches to the head so Rocky's doubly appropriate.

Box on the beach

The castaways wandered around for a while before Jeff flew over in a helicopter and dropped a box on the beach. Jeff's too big a diva to interact with the little people nowadays. I hear he demands in his contract clause that his khaki shorts are woven by Guatemalan virgins.

A group of assorted Meatheads descended upon the box and tried to open it by dropping it and bonking it. This was about as effective as you'd expect it to be. Yau Man took a shot at the box and used his knowledge of boxy weak spots to easily open it. He's like a Shaolin Monk of boxes.

Inside there was a note. It did not say "Ha ha, you're on your own, losers" much to my disappointment. Instead it gave detailed instructions on how to get to their campsite and build a luxury camp. How much of a luxury was it? It included a toilet.

Gah, I want to see these people roughing it, not living it up with their flush toilets! What is this, the Fiji Hilton? Today it's working toilets but what will come tomorrow? Coconut dispensers? Silk hammocks?

Sylvia takes charge

Architect Sylvia took charge of the building duties and supervised what the contestants were doing. No, bad move, Sylvia. If you're a silver-haired, flag-waving Manly Man like Tom or Terry, you can get away with that sort of thing. Otherwise, everyone's going to think you're a bossy bitch and want to vote you off first. Yes, even if building houses is your freakin' expertise.

Chubby old guy Gary was the first to express his displeasure. "Sylvia's trying to dominate," he complained. Honestly, I will never stop rolling my eyes at how castaways line up to fellate the Terry-types but always rail at the slightest hint of female authority.

Sylvia has further alienated herself from the assorted Meatheads because she used big words. Like "askew". Lordy, you need a thesaurus just to talk to her. Rocky was especially flummoxed but then, I suspect he's the type of guy who gets confused by swinging doors.

At one point, Sylvia tried to get the castaways to get on with construction but they felt it more productive to rest their aching feet and eat mangoes. That night it rained and they all got soaked. Yeah, I'm going to side with Miss Askew on this one.

Another person who rubbed people the wrong way was former homeless dude and current cheerleading coach, Dreamz. Oy. Dreamzzz is all about positivity and motivation, by which I mean he is loud and won't shut up.

For some unfathomable reason, he thinks being a constant attention whore is going to endear him to his fellow contestants. This backfired on the first night when his blathering caused Rocky to go into a rage and start screaming at him. I wouldn't piss off a guy called Rocky especially if I'm a cheerleader called Dreamz who's not exactly Apollo Creed. With those violent tendencies, I wonder if Rocky shouldn't call himself Rambo instead.