TAR: Blowin' in the wind

As if a sprained ankle and leaky leg aren’t enough, the opening to this week’s episode revealed that Rob had collapsed from heat exhaustion at the end of the last leg. Are you sure he didn’t collapse from a ruptured eardrum due to Kimberly’s screeching?

Between this, Mary’s ankle, Sarah’s leg and the myriad bloody wounds this episode, I’m beginning to fear for the racers’ lives. This ain't no race for sissies. Just remember, you can’t spell “Phil Keoghan” without the word “pain”. Is it a coincidence that an anagram of “Phil Keoghan” is “Ah kin leg hop” just like a Kentuckian coalminer would pronounce “I can leg hop”? I think not.

I digress and I haven’t even started properly. The first clue had the teams to go a park and listen carefully for their next clue. Some of these people can barely seem to read so it can only be a step up.

Along the way the Wins discussed how great it was to be able to represent Asians on the race and show people all the different sides of their Asian-ness. No, not their meatheadedness but their sense of humour. They then demonstrated their sense of humour with the brilliant line “We’re going to Disneyland”.

In case you choose to read this as a confirmation of stereotypes about Asian humour (if there even are any stereotypes about that), we cut to the Zoolander car where the meth models were making Dong puns. Lame jokes span across every culture, folks.

Mary is us

In the Coalminer taxi, Mary talked about how she was surprised to be doing this because she was a “couch potater” who watched reality TV. Wait…so Mary is us? Oh my god, how did I not realise this before now? Embrace your fabulous 'TAR' surrogate, fellow fans. Unless you’re a super skinny model/actor/beauty queen, in which case, what the hell are you doing even reading this? Shouldn’t you be bench-pressing bags of cocaine or whatever it is ridiculously good-looking people do for fun?

The teams arrived at the park and listened carefully. What could they be listening for? Dustin and Kandice, trained by the finest pageant coaches in extreme listening skills, thought that the clue might be found in the chirping of crickets. Ooh, maybe they’re chirping in Morse code! Get out your super secret decoder rings, girls!

But no, as cool as it sounds, the crickets were not specially-trained bugs transmitting the clue in code. There was a loudspeaker system set up by a statue of some Vietnamese guy (a famous cricket whisperer) that told them where to go for their next clue. Most of the teams hastily scribbled down the directions — can you imagine having to spell those names? The Zoolanders were the first to think up the bright idea of dragging their taxi driver along to listen to the instructions himself. Who says drugs kill braincells? Crack is good for you, kids!

Rob and Kimberly’s picked a taxi driver who didn’t understand a single word they were saying. Or maybe he was just pretending he didn’t know what the hell these two idiots were saying for laughs. I like the second option better. He drove them around the block a few times and shockingly, Rob’s brilliant strategy of shouting in his ear did not make him understand any better.

“He’s TOYING with us!!” Rob exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. Yes, you are mere puppets on a string to that Machiavellian mastermind, Rob. You cannot escape his twisted manipulations! Muahahaha!

Chasing cabs

Eventually, Rob and Kimberly abandoned their calculating cabbie for one who could understand them better. “I’m done talking with foreigners,” he declared. Two things, Rob. The first is: good luck with that on a race around the world. The second is: in any country that’s not America, you're the foreigner, ya big douche.

By contrast, Mary had taken a shining to her and David’s taxi driver. “I like you,” she told him in Vietnamese. Well, complimenting a taxi driver in their own language isn’t as nice as screaming in their ear how awful they are, but we can’t all be as accepting of other people as Rob. Mary then declared how she wanted to take him home with her.

Hours of operation at the route marker meant that everyone was on level pegging the next morning. They made their way to the Roadblock which asked which team-member had “strong arms and legs”. Or…er, leg in Sarah’s case.

There was a great big honking rock face in the distance so teams should’ve guessed there was climbing to be done. Nevertheless, Sarah and Karlyn, both of whom had had so much trouble with the Great Wall of China, decided to do the Roadblock.

Boats to the rockface

The teams had to take boats to the rockface, where only three racers could go up at a time. The Beauty Queens poached a boat which the Lyns believed was theirs (To paraphrase the Lyns’ own words: “It is a race”) but karma (or freaky Lyn mojo) was quick and Dustin scraped her leg badly against the side of the boat. The Lyns gloated. Will you be so happy when Dustin’s leg gets gangrenous and falls off, Lyns?

“Sweetie, are you alright?” Kandice asked, worried, as she cooed over her gay luvah’s friend’s leg. This is how you tell the difference between friends and couples on 'The Amazing Race'. Friends use “sweetie” while every single couple in the history of the show has used “baby”. It’s in their contracts.