The first episode of The Amazing Race 12 introduced us to the most stubborn, braying asses you could possibly imagine. And those were just the contestants. Let's not even mention the donkeys.

The racers were more than glad to be saying goodbye to the devilish donkeys of Ireland and hello to Amsterdam. Hippies TK and Rachel were especially happy to be going to the Dutch capital. "Bitchin'," was Rachel's reaction as she dreamed of the very special coffee shops which sell very special cigarettes.

Kynt and Vyxsin (you have no idea how much it pains me to type those idiotic names out. Three paragraphs in and I already need a drink) were similarly pleased to go to such a liberal place where the locals wouldn?t roll their eyes at them nearly as much as anywhere else in the world. Vyxsin said that running the race was an experience of constantly being in the dark. "But we like the dark," she finished. Please, Hello Kitty is darker than you.

On the way to the airport, we got more insight into generic blondes Shana and Jennifer. The poor babies haven't been able to indulge in their weekly facials but they remain tougher than ever. Even when Shana was having trouble with her brights, she did not freak out but remained calm while wondering whether she was an idiot. "She asks that a lot," Jennifer confirmed. Oh, I'll bet.

Kate and Pat, professional lesbian ministers (I mean church ministers, not that they're heading up the governmental Department of Lesbiosity or anything), confirmed what I always suspected: that God doesn't give a crap about reality shows. See, annoyingly religious TAR types? He doesn't care! Straight from the minister's mouth! So stop pretending he's going to help you complete that Detour!

It's a pity the ministers didn't turn their sage, lesbionic counsel to Ronald and Christina, who were having words with one another. Most of the words seemed to come from Ronald and involved unnecessary criticism of his daughter. Pat and Kate gave "Oh Gawd, can you believe this?" looks to the camera which I found myself emulating all throughout the episode.

Gotten a feel for a few of the racers? Good, because it was time for an exciting airport sequence. The first few teams to the airport were able to book a flight from Dublin to Amsterdam but the other teams were left hanging when they landed in Dublin. The Onalds and their respective progeny rushed to the desk to try and book stand-by tickets for that flight to Amsterdam. The problem was that there were only two seats left.

Nicolas got all pushy Yank at the ticket lady while Ronald looked on disapprovingly from the other counter. As they waited for word on which of them would get the last couple of stand-by tickets, Ronald approached Nicolas and gave him the kind of tongue-lashing he normally reserves for his own daughter. Nicolas didn't care and the whole thing ended with Ronald old-man-ranting about earwax and boogers. Lordy, he's Grandpa Simpson brought to life.

Karma may not like pushy Yank behavior but she apparently hates crazy, ranting old blowhards more because it was Nicolas and Donald who got the last seats on the flight. Ronald/Christina, Marianna/Julia and Kate/Pat were left waiting for a later flight.

On arriving in Amsterdam, the teams faced their first Detour. One choice was to search through loads and loads of bikes until they found two correctly colour-coded ones to ride to their next clue. The other choice was to haul a set of furniture up a building to a high window and hope a grand piano didn't fall, Looney Tunes style.