Don't worry, the BQs did not pull a Brad and Jen. Dustin tearfully said the only reason she had even come on the race was because of Kandice. Kandice's heart grew three sizes that day and their friendship was renewed.

I find it hilarious that the relationship drama between the BQs was far more emotionally resonant than the anything that happened between Eric and Dani(elle) throughout the show. Chemistry: one of these teams has it in spades, and it's not the actual couple of the two.

This is where I rewrite the ending in my head

I suppose there was something satisfying in the way Eric and Dani(elle) won, at least if you believe they were really dating. The entire race, they were worried about whether their relationship could work and whether they were compatible as a couple.

It was during the final challenge that Eric and Dani(elle) proved that they do know what the other is thinking pretty well. Not that it's all that hard to get into the minds of either of them, mind you (Boobs! Lame jokes! Seething hatred for Danny and Oswald! More boobs!), but it was surprising nevertheless.

The two simple minds we so in tune that they managed to win a million bucks because of it. At least the editors managed to milk something out of this grand love story that was Eric/Dani(elle).

It all paled in comparison to Eric's phonecall home, where he managed to speak to his real love over the phone. A newly shorn Jeremy was waiting for his on the other end and was so thrilled, he promised Eric a good spanking when he got home.

Ah, young love. Dani(elle) who?

That's pretty much why the ending irked me so much. I didn't hate it because they suck as people (even though they do). I didn't hate it because they're poor sports (even though they are). I hated it because, as a team, they didn't earn the right to even compete. Eric and Jeremy earned that right. Eric and Dani(elle) did not because they were never even on the damn race as a team together. She was just a prop he saddled himself with so that he could have another shot at the million.

I'll just have to go to the happy place in my head where Dani(elle) wears proper shirts, no-one whines when the Yield is used, someone bitchslaps Mirna whenever she deserves it, and the BQs win the season.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, folks.