Basically, all of Eric and Dani(elle)'s airtime was dedicated to the issue of their relationship and the cracks that were beginning to form during the race. Please no. I watch this show to see Phil Keoghan, not Dr Phil. I double dip don't care about these two because it's been revealed elsewhere that Eric and Dani(elle) weren't actually dating during this season ? they had already broken up by the time they signed on to do it.

Geez, and you thought Rob and Amber were famewhores. At least they never fake dated to get on a reality show. So next time there's an Eric and Dani(elle) relationship scene, feel free to mute the sound and insert the dialogue because it will be just as genuine as whatever it is they're really saying. My version:

Dani(elle): Eric, you never say you love me! All you do is correct my geographical mistakes!
Eric: Well, having a good knowledge of geography is essential. I like to draw a map of the world on my pecs and stand in front of the mirror and flex them. That's how I learn, Desiree.
Dani(elle): My name is Dani. Or possibly Danielle. I'm so boring, I don't even know my own name.
Eric: I haven't made a joke about your boobs in three minutes. Better make one or people might think I'm gay.
Dani(elle): That's silly, Eric. Just because you keep calling me Jeremy when we're in bed doesn?t mean you're gay. No-one ever remembers my name, remember?
Eric: Thanks for reassuring me. Wanna go into a broom closet for some fun?
Dani(elle): Sure! Let me go spray on some Axe and find my football outfit.

Try it, it's fun!

How the Beauty Queens got their groove back

The BQs have been on low simmer throughout this season, obviously because they don't want to peak too early and are trying to conserve their strength. Or at least that's what I tell myself so I don't have to take off my official BQ T-shirt and cry into my pillow at how much less awesome they are compared to last season. Thankfully, that changed during this leg.

Besides showing that Total BQ Domination for which they are so famed, we got to learn some new things about the toothy twosome, namely that Kandice loves to golf and Dustin knows how to play the piano. Not only that, she is also a Chopin fangirl. She was almost as excited to meet a fake Chopin as she would be to meet the real thing. You should see how excited she gets when she goes to Vegas and sees all those Elvises. Do you think there's a market for Chopin impersonators in Poland? It would certainly make for classier wedding ceremonies.

Danny also revealed some piano skills, which was as much a revelation to Oswald as it was to the viewers. Ooh, what else do you think Danny has been hiding? Wait, he?s from Miami, right? OMG, maybe he's a serial killer!! He's totally Dexter, only with better fashion sense!!

Charla and Mirna of course did not know a thing about music at all. That was expected since I don't associate them with music at all. Except for wacky banjoes, I suppose. Or maybe those dogs that bark Christmas carols. Joyce alleged she once knew how to play piano but had forgotten. She completely forgot how to play? Why do I suspect her past knowledge of piano-playing didn't extend beyond Chopsticks?

Eric and Dani(elle) didn't know how to tune but somehow managed to get through their Detour anyway, while Bill and Joe took a wee bit longer to sort out their X-ray Detour. Joe compared Bill's chest to that of the mannequin being X-rayed. Bill looked alarmed. I would too if my partner was comparing my bits to those of a plastic mannequin.

The editing didn't even try to make it seem close between the Guidos and Eric/Dani(elle) so it was pretty obvious that it was a Non-Elimination. They were so happy, they tried to kiss Phil. Poor Phil gets manhandled more than the mannequins. I hope no-one tries to grope him in the future. Mirna, I'm looking at you.

Next week: More scenes from the greatest relationship the world has ever known since Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn ? Eric and Dani(elle)'s fake relationship woes deepen. Wait! Don't go! There's Charla in armour to make up for it.