This is one of those reviews. It really doesn't matter what I write here.

Everybody has an opinion — they're either a rabid fan of the first film/the series of novels/Robert Pattinson or they have a furious distaste for the series' attempts at destroying vampire lore/the phenomenally cheesy dialogue/Robert Pattinson. There seem to be very few people out there who hear the word Twilight and just go 'Whatever'.

Look, The Twilight Saga: New Moon wasn't terrible — but it isn't exactly going to blow the Oscar race wide open. If you take the film for what it is — a film targeted at a young, female audience — then you'll have to agree that it is successful in its own right.

In a nutshell

Directed by Chris Weitz — the man who brought the world American Pie and managed to mangle Philip Pullman's Northern Lights (Oh, sorry, "The Golden Compass"), the movie continues the story of Bella Swan and her love for the 'vegetarian' vampire Edward Cullen.

Except now Edward leaves her so that she can have a chance at a normal life. Bella falls to pieces, until she realises that if she does stupid and dangerous things, she can actually see and hear her lost love. She bonds with Jacob Black, who turns out to come from a long line of werewolves. Rogue vampire Victoria still wants to kill Bella, the wolves are trying to make sure that doesn't happen, and meanwhile Bella gets bored and throws herself off a cliff — just for fun. This makes Edward think Bella's dead, and he then charges off to Italy to have himself killed.

Caught up yet? Good.

Because any vaguely intelligent director would realise that a huge selling point for the Twilight films is Edward, Robert Pattinson wafts in and out as a ghostlike hallucination and chews away at the special effects budget whenever Bella does something reckless (which is, like, all the time). It's fun the first few times, then it loses its novelty value.

Sparkle away

And yes — the vampires do still sparkle. A lot. New Moon has a much larger budget than its predecessor (obviously) and a heap of this went to unnecessary sparkling. The wolves are fantastic (apart from their very first appearance, where they look a little plastic), and I'm glad that they decided to splash out on a great precedent for these characters.

I know Kristen Stewart has been panned for her portrayal of depressed Bella, but I think in the hands of a lesser actress, the dialogue in this film would have gone from cheesy to completely insufferable. However, she really, really does need to speak up. Or speak clearly. Mumbling is not attractive.

Robert Pattinson still looks permanently in some sort of terrible pain (yes, I know he's supposed to be restraining himself from killing her and that Bella smells so delicious it physically hurts to resist — I know this because I have shock! gasp! horror! read the books), and this is a pity, because I am convinced that he is a lot more talented than this.

On page two: Michael Sheen is creepy and camp, and a word of warning. 

And Taylor Lautner as Jacob does well to fill the gaping hole left by Edward for the most part of the film, and will have the teens almost falling over themselves whenever he has his shirt off (which is around 80% of the time he is on screen). However, when things get a little more serious, he seems way out of his depth — which does not bode well for the next two films.

Creepy and camp

The gems — Michael Sheen as Aro, leader of the Volturi and Dakota Fanning as Jane, one of the Volturi soldiers — are criminally underused. Sheen absolutely dazzled — he was a fantastic mixture of creepy and camp and really showed the younger actors how it should've been done. And Fanning has proven why she is one of the best young actresses the world has ever seen — in the few minutes she is on screen, she literally steals the show.

Weitz has managed to capture the 'moody teenager' feel of this film fantastically through his use of colour, camera angles and soundtrack. New Moon casts aside any attempt at being indie and embraces its status as a made-for-giddy-teenagers-movie.

But much like Stephenie Meyer's original novels, Weitz insists on treating the viewer like a complete idiot. Yes, we actually do get the Romeo and Juliet parallel — only because you've shoved it in our face for the first twenty minutes.

"Sexual tension"

And at two hours and eight minutes long, the movie goes on far, far too long. It could have possibly been shortened by at least twenty minutes if they cut out the intense stares and unnecessary sulking. And despite the long running time, the conclusion in Italy seems rushed — which is bizarre, seeing as it is the main action of the film and (hallelujah!) an escape from the "sexual tension" between Bella and Jacob.

But the film is not terrible. Yes, there are some epically, epically cheesy moments in this movie, which will make the teens swoon and everybody else laugh out loud. But it's still passably entertaining for some, and 'life-changing' for others.