There's only so much you can learn in school: reading and writing; something about some guy who invaded some country; finding the value of x, perhaps.

The rest you've got to pick up from films: one kiss in a lush, green field during a rainstorm beats years of couples counselling; driving a car on two wheels through an exploding petrol station is easy; anybody capable of switching on a computer can hack into the FBI database; buying a big old Gothic house going cheap is not such a good idea — especially if the estate agent, accompanied by threatening background music, quietly confesses that it has a "dark past".

Clearly the Snedeker family have never seen or heard of 'The Amityville Horror', 'Amityville II: The Possession', 'Amityville III: The Demon' or 'Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes'. Or perhaps they're just plain dumb.

"Desperate" is how 'The Haunting in Connecticut' spins it — a loving mother anxious to move closer to the hospital where her son receives cancer treatment. Sure, it's a little creepy, she thinks of the former funeral home Dracula would dismiss as too dark, but what could possibly go wrong?

Before you can say seen-it-all-before, lights begin flashing, doors bang open and shut, body parts are discovered under the floorboards, and a pale, skinny kid who dresses funny drops by with increasing frequency. Hallucinations caused by son's experimental therapy or some sort of demonic possession thing related to the old mansion's history of séances and undertaking?

Tough call — at least for the Snedeker parents, who even chase away the friendly Catholic priest/exorcist/ghostbuster conveniently passing through the neighbourhood.

They should know better — as should the actors (yes, you Virginia Madsen) and the film-makers involved in this low rent horror. Supposedly "inspired by real events", it's little more than the umpteenth dusty retelling of the same old haunted house spook story.

Drive on by, there's nothing to see here.