'Australia' tries to be everything: epic love story, slapstick comedy, hard-hitting social commentary, a war drama reminiscent of 'Pearl Harbor' and an extended episode of the Hallmark Channel's 'McLeod's Daughters'. Unfortunately, it doesn't do any of those particularly well. Instead it comes across as a sappy, contrived and overly long piece of nothingness.

And the cherry on top is Nicole Kidman, who is only marginally less annoying than she was in 'Cold Mountain'.

So the story follows the deeds of Lady Sarah Ashley (or "Mrs Boss") who leaves her calm and sophisticated British lifestyle to go down under and whip her philandering husband into shape. When she gets to the outback she finds hubby dead and his cattle ranch at the mercy of Neil Fletcher (David Wenham), the evil, duplicitous cattle station manager. But instead of going back to England (which she probably should have done to save everybody ? you and me included ? a lot of moans and groans) she finds herself drawn to a little half-caste aborigine child called Nullah and decides to stay to protect him from becoming part of the 'Stolen Generations' (half-caste aborigines who are taken away to have the 'native bred out of them').

Of course, she has the welcome distraction of Drover (and lover), the oh-so-dreamy (and aptly named) drover (Hugh Jackman) who helps her with her cattle.

And that's the first half of the movie. Cattle, cattle, a little Jackman and some more cattle. And then a little bit of Nullah promising to sing everybody "to him" and then some more cattle.

But the second half decides to make up for blatantly plagiarising Australian series 'McLeod's Daughters' and we have kidnapping, Japan attacking Australia, walkabouts, Nullah singing people to him, relationship troubles, Hugh Jackman, bombings, stabbings, wrongful identities and more of Nullah's singing. And it's just too much.

It's messy, like director Baz Luhrmann had so much to say that instead of editing the less important bits he just said it all ? in one big incoherent heap. His attempt at combining so many different themes and styles ends up an unrecognisable mishmash leaving you confused and wondering if it's all meant to be as corny as it seems or if even that is a metaphor for something else.

In the end, 'Australia' as tired and as numb as your behind will be when you walk out of the cinema.