High school is a bitch. (In other news the pope is Catholic and bears do it in the woods.) But for Isabella Swan high school is even more troublesome than usual. Having just moved out from sunny Phoenix to the perpetually wet climate of Forks, Washington, she's the recipient of much unwanted attention at her new school. She's clumsy, withdrawn and her lab partner in biology, the mysterious and oh-so-dreamy Edward Cullen, seems to find her repulsive. It's a tough gig.

However, on the bright side, Edward's disgust doesn't last long and soon he is saving Bella's life, charming her with his dry wit and romancing her off her two left feet. That is before falling back into his morbid routine of telling her to stay away, avoiding her and generally treating her with disdain. It would seem that even vampires are not immune to male PMS.

But it doesn't matter. His icy demeanour, good looks and ability to lift cars breed butterflies in Bella's stomach and it's love at first ... light? ... bite? for the unlikely pair. A point that is forced home by the endless scenes of them sitting around and talking while some dramatic piece of music swells in the background. And when they're not doing that they're racing up the mountainside, imitating 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon' in the trees, or playing baseball in a thunderstorm. Of course that's before another evil coven of vampires decides that Bella would make a very tasty snack and it's Edward's job to save the distressed damsel, yet again.

In many ways, then, the film remains true to the novel. What it lacks though is the candidness which allows you to just go with the story even though you know it's a trashy vampire fangirl fantasy. The result is a big screen adaptation that's too stilted, too angst-riddled and frankly too lame to even be enjoyable. The relationship between the leads — so integral to the tale — just comes across as pathetic and strangely uncomfortable. A bit like watching a younger sibling make out with the TV.

Instead of being the enigmatic, darkly handsome bloodsucker of the books, Robert Pattison ('Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire') hams his performance up so that the character of Edward Cullen turns into the bastard child of Anne Rice's Lestat and Dawson from the Creek. He's mean, he's charming, he's camp, he's brooding, he's in love, he's emo, he's afraid, he's kind, he's a sap, he just wants to drink blood.

Opposite him, Kristen Stewart loses all the self-deprecating appeal of the Bella Swan of the books. Sure, she's clumsy, petulant and a little whiny but overall she's just there ... moping around, not doing anything too special other than pine for her man. Without the internal monologue of Stephenie Meyer's novel, the character just gets lost — even amid the flat secondary characters and some decidedly dodgy special effects.

Admittedly things improve in the second half: the story becomes a little more engaging, with rare moments revealing that 'Twilight' did have potential somewhere... somehow.

Unfortunately those moments just feed the overall disappointment.