» The Incredible Hulk

» The Happening

» Fido

» Good Luck Chuck

» The Incredible Hulk

» Bollywood rewards best

» Prince Caspian

» Definitely, Maybe

» Dutt eyes Indian politics

» Still got the sparkle

Today, 08 January 2009

» Gaza: war to get worse

» VIP unit deletes footage

» Rand will reign in 2009

» Mumbai killers talk death

» Team not behind KP

Yesterday, 07 January 2009

» Swimming pool blues

» Spike in anti-Semitism?

» Passenger shoots motorist

» ANC slams Israel attacks

» 'Remarkable Sydney scenes'

Last week I received a very disturbing cult film update from Cape Town (thanks Alan) and it would appear that a video shop in Table View has seen fit to withdraw MAGNOLIA [1999] from the shelves. Why? ‘Because a few customers complained.’

Just three questions: Who are these people, what are they on and just what was so terrible about their childhoods that they think they have the right to dictate to the intelligent population of Cape Town? Is this the start of an elite crack squad? Are they members of PAVAD (Prats Against Videos Art and Democracy?) Or could it be that they simply wouldn’t know an intelligent film if they had one shoved down their throats?

Andrew's obsession with cult films began at midnight at the age of ten, and involved a bowl of popcorn, an old television set and John Carpenter's Halloween. Little has changed since then, besides age, the popcorn and the fact that he can now climb dark stairwells after a horror movie by himself. Andrew is a published writer of horror fiction, a screenwriter and a freelance journalist. His time is spent largely in pursuit of a truly original horror film. Failing that he has threatened to make his own.

And this isn’t simply about MAGNOLIA. Whether it’s DUMBO, one of those inane cheerleading films or even BLOODSUCKING FREAKS, people should have the freedom to watch what they want.

How would they feel if I stormed down to Cape Town and demanded that WATERWORLD be removed from the shelves permanently (not that I lack valid reasons – yes I am still bitter about it.)

I’ll even lay odds that WATERWORLD ranks highly on these people’s top ten list of all time great films. Just because I think it’s the most insidious, toxic waste ever farted into the world of film doesn’t mean I have the right to decide the same for you.

This act of indescribable idiocy is nothing less than a gross violation of human rights and must be stopped.

Now I don’t want to put too fine a point on it (you know I’m going to anyway), but I simply don’t care if these cretins enjoyed MAGNOLIA or not; just pick up your copies of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, MARY POPPINS, or whatever it is that you watch and get the hell out of the shop. We’ll decide for ourselves whether we like MAGNOLIA or not.

Ah, I hear you say, but don’t you slam films in your column and tell us what’s good and what’s not? Yes I do. But I don’t force anyone to watch or boycott films. I know my readers are a good deal more intelligent than that. And I certainly wouldn’t shame myself by demanding that selected films be removed from a video shop.

Which brings me to an interesting question – how much alcohol do you have to feed into the compost of your brain before asserting that level of self-importance? And how do you phrase the question to the shop owner? – “er…ahem…yes. Sorry to bother you but I didn’t like MAGNOLIA. In fact I didn’t get it. And this simply can’t be a Tom Cruise film, because I didn’t understand any of it! There are no fighter planes, racing cars or intellectual dialogue like “yo”, “I feel the need for speed” and other moving lines. As I obviously represent the feelings of absolutely everyone in Cape Town, I feel it is only fair that you remove it immediately. And hold out your hands so I can rap you on the knuckles you naughty boy.”

Get a life!

And as for the shops who accede to these demands – shame on you! Put MAGNOLIA back on the shelf now!

On the topic of ranting (look out – rabid film journalist on a roll coming through) I also received an email from Richard last week who asked if I have ever been happy, as I sound disgruntled most of the time. What a question! Of course I’ve been happy (five times in my life to be precise):

1. My wedding day
2. Every time Manchester City puts one in the back of the net, even though it’s usually in retaliation for the nine goals scored by the opposition
3. When THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and THE EXORCIST were released on the cinema circuit here.
4. Getting paid the princely sum of US$14.00 for my first published horror story.
5. Getting to rant in this column to you, oh kind and tolerant readers.

But seriously and in answer to your question, Richard: I’m not an unhappy person. But what would life be like without those little things that get our backs up? (Like that odd little man who presents the antique show on BBC Prime – the one who dresses like a prat, pronounces ‘auction’ as ‘oction’ and who spends a suspiciously large portion of the show touching the contestants.)

Let’s face it, there is so much in the world to be pissed off about and so little time. So without wasting any more…

…I think my feelings on the issue of remakes were pretty well stated In a previous column “Science Friction/Double Feature”, but in case you missed it (where were you?) and to elaborate further, let me say, without care of contradiction, that I think remakes are about as necessary as people who lean over to you in the cinema, usually during a particularly important bit in the film, and whisper “Did you see that?” Perhaps there’s something wrong with me, but I subscribe to the theory that facing the screen with your eyes open is a fair indication that you are watching, and not in fact reading 'War and Peace' or painting your head blue with a toothbrush.

Where was I? Remakes!

Not all remakes are bad ideas, in fact some are improvements on the originals, but a good rule of thumb is that if it isn’t broken don’t fix it (unless the original was crap and you think you can do better.)

The remake falls into different categories and if there is a saving grace for any of them it lies in the motivation.

Remakes are filmed for a number of reasons, which include, but are not restricted to:

a) The desire to cash in on an already successful film.
b) The desire to recoup cash from an unsuccessful film.
c) The desire to somehow improve the original (colourisation, deleted scenes, to say something that the original for whatever reason wasn’t allowed to, or to take the central theme in the original further.)
d) The need to pay homage and tribute to a great filmmaker or production.
e) The need to make the film more accessible to a different audience.

Apart from d and perhaps c the rest of the motivations are transparent and as valid as the cinemagoers already put in their place above.

Why this tirade of anti-remake sentiments? Easy. I saw RING [1998] on the weekend and was blown away. As mentioned in the biog I spend a lot of my time looking for an original horror film. What happens? I find one, only to discover that American producers think they can do better and are remaking the film for American sensibilities.

This Japanese horror film is a tidy, solid effort and quite complete by itself. The acting is good, the narration is tight and the suspense tighter still. There’s an appealing aesthetic that comes through in the film like that of Nagisa Oshima’s brilliant MERRY CHRISTMAS MR LAWRENCE (1983).

And let’s face it, Japanese audiences have been watching subtitled movies for decades. You don’t see them running off to remake AMERICAN BEAUTY, GREASE or HALLOWEEN.

This kind of self-importance (as suffered by PAVAD members in Cape Town) seems to be an endemic American trait, and it’s really annoying.

RING – for those of you who haven’t seen it, revolves around a simple premise. A spate of teenager deaths arouses suspicion. It turns out that they all watched the same eerie performance art-like video, followed by a prank call, followed by a week to live.

A journalist and her psychic ex-husband watch the tape and then try to solve the mystery before their time runs out.

What’s unique is that there is no reconciliation between the two; they just try to survive.

RING is creepy, well acted and virtually bloodless and everyone must see it (if you’re in Cape Town get it now before the Bossy Brigade get it taken off the shelf).

The director in charge of the American production is Gore Verbinski, whose previous films include such terrifying, groundbreaking horror classics like THE MEXICAN [2001] and that immortal and controversial paragon of cutting edge horror that put Fulci and Argento to shame - MOUSEHUNT [1997].

Does the term ‘not qualified for the job’ mean anything anymore?

To be fair, and as I said, there are remakes that do work and among them is THE THING [1982] and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD [1990].

Carpenter’s take on the THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD (1951) is perhaps one of the slickest horrors ever made. It takes the ‘there’s nowhere to run’ premise to the limit in this sci-fi chiller which sees a team of scientists trapped in a research facility in Antarctica with a form shifting alien.

Carpenter regulars like Kurt Russell line up for this claustrophobic and purposefully downbeat film, which made effects artist Rob Bottin world famous, long before ROBOCOP was even heard of.

Like Gus van Sant’s painstaking recreation of PSYCHO [1998], veteran effects artist and ‘Wizard of Gore’ Tom Savini’s 1990 remake of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD is another shining example of how a remake can work.

Besides his work on splatter films like FRIDAY THE 13th, Savini is the perfect candidate to steer a zombie film – a) Because he had original NOTLD director George Romero at the helm and b) Savini served in Vietnam as a photographer. His job was to take pictures of the damage to vehicles, buildings and of course the bodies. Snuff said.

The reasons for making the film stemmed from a copyright issue and the fact that a Texas based company was planning its own remake – a case of “if you want something done properly do it your damned self!”

Savini proves he is as good behind that camera as he is in the make-up chair and produces a tight and convincing story that is both faithful to the original and, in many ways, so much better. Barbara evolves from the catatonic victim in the original, to the kick-arse heroine of the film. Duane is played by CANDYMAN [1992] Tony Todd and together they propel a version of the film that is infinitely more humorous than the first and equally as effective.

An all new ending (which I won’t ruin), improved zombies and some of the best scenes in recent horror film history (like the one in which they realise the zombies aren’t as deadly as they appear) make for a hell of a film which again, you must all see! (The same applies to those of you in Cape Town – hurry!)

At the end of the day an American version of RING may be successful. Hell it may even be good but its motivation is out of whack. American producers are seizing on the opportunity to outdo an already brilliant film. Of course more fool the copyright holders of the original for allowing them to do it.

Finally, if you’ve ever requested that a film be taken out of circulation at a video shop because it offended your delicate constitution or because you were just simply embarrassed that you didn’t get it, (and of course nobody is saying that you have to) drop me a line and explain yourself – cult film loving South Africans are dying to know what makes your brain tick.

And if you’ve ever suffered at the hands of these people then report these gross violations of human rights to me. We’ll start up a tribunal and prosecute them.

Also, if there are video shops out there in Cape Town that specialise in rare and cult films, let me know – there seems to be a shortage of you guys down there. Makes you glad for The Video Shop in Joburg!

RING, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD ’90 and THE THING are all available from THE VIDEO SHOP – 13 North Park Centre, 7th Avenue, Parktown North – Tel: 011 788 8613. Email: tebaldi@mweb.co.za. THE VIDEO SHOP is Cult de Sac’s video shop of choice. With a vast range of titles, especially rare and classic films and knowledgeable staff, THE VIDEO SHOP has just what you’re looking for.

Cult Links