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Today, 22 November 2009

› SACP attacks Malema

› Govt settles with Pikoli

› JZ hails Miss World effect

› Henry offers replay

› Accident claims radio DJ

Yesterday, 21 November 2009

› SACP attacks Malema

› Match-fixing stuns Europe

› JZ hails Miss World effect

› Henry offers replay

› No armchair ride for Boks

Bit of housekeeping before I start this week. Thanks to all who took part in last week’s quotes quiz. You’re all pretty well clued up on the subject (either that or it was too easy.) Either way, you’ll find the answers at the bottom of this week’s column.

Okay, so if you’ve seen SCREAM you’ll know something about the ‘rules of surviving a horror film’. Basically these rules set out ways to avoid the fates that typically befall characters in horror films. Unfortunately they only apply to slasher films, and let’s face it, it isn’t too difficult to work out; example – don’t have sex and never be the one to go out to the garage by yourself to get the beers etc etc etc.

Cult de Sac prides itself on challenges, and seeking out the best of the rest everyone else ignores. This week we look at Sam Raimi’s THE EVIL DEAD (1982). But how do you review possibly the most unconventional horror film ever made? You don’t, you can’t. So instead please accept this - the idiot’s guide to surviving THE EVIL DEAD, a tongue-in-cheek guide to surviving one of the wildest, gutsiest (literally) films ever made.

Andrew's obsession with cult films began at midnight at the age of ten, and involved a bowl of popcorn, an old television set and John Carpenter's Halloween. Little has changed since then, besides age, the popcorn and the fact that he can now climb dark stairwells after a horror movie by himself. Andrew is a published writer of horror fiction, a screenwriter and a freelance journalist. His time is spent largely in pursuit of a truly original horror film. Failing that he has threatened to make his own.

Note: If you aren’t inclined to surviving THE EVIL DEAD then you may wish to ignore this, because at the end of the night, the survivor is usually the one having the hardest time. It’s the blondes and demons who have the most fun.

Right, first of all you’ll need attitude. Never go out to a remote Tennessee cabin, separated from the rest of civilisation as a member of the Knightsbridge Chapter of the Inanely Happy American Students’ Glee Club, singing folk songs in your yellow car. Instead, have some attitude and expect trouble.

Secondly never honk your horn at the locals. If you’ve seen DELIVERANCE or THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE you’ll realise the importance of respecting the local population (no matter how strange they may be).

Oh and when you arrive at a dodgy-looking bridge with a sign which reads: DANGEROUS BRIDGE: TRAVEL AT OWN RISK, why not leave the car on the one side of the bridge and walk across? That way when it collapses and leaves you stranded on the far side, you can always swim back across and collect the car (assuming one of the indignant locals hasn’t trashed it.)

When you finally reach the remote cabin, never volunteer to explore it by yourself while your friends wait outside – the chances of surviving the film are slim as it is, but why be the first to die? Nobody ever remembers the first victim.

Once inside, take note of the fact that in THE EVIL DEAD, the sun has a habit of going down very quickly. This means the director wants to set up the shots so he can get to the good stuff (yes, that involves you and, no, it’s not pleasant).

Then if you find yourself sitting by the window, idly sketching a clock that hangs on a wall and you find yourself drawing a strange picture, guided by some mysterious force, this is in fact cause for alarm, and not a signal to have dinner.

And never subscribe to the theory that just because you were first in the house means that you also have to be the first to go and explore the mysterious basement, whose door, for unknown reasons has opened of its own accord.

But if you must go into the cellar and you discover the Necromonicon (Book of the Dead), and an old tape recorder, do not be overly concerned. They’re integral to the story. Do be alarmed, however, at seeing a HILLS HAVE EYES poster on the wall. In the context of Raimi’s friendship/rivalry with Wes Craven this is fine, but in the context of it being the office of a scholar who has gone out there to excavate a burial site it’s weird (although it does display good taste in film).

Suspicions not yet aroused? Good. Wait for a thunderstorm and then play back the tapes on the machine, particularly the bit where the incantations summon the dead from their graves. Oh yes... at this point a woman in your group will probably stand up and scream something like “shut it off!” Just ignore her. She does actually know what she’s talking about, but hey – the narrative has to move along.

This is a no-brainer, but trust me you’ll find it hard to resist. Unlike slasher films, the demons won’t go for the couples kissing and stripping off first. They’re looking for the wholesome one, combing her hair before bed, the same one in fact who draws the weird pictures and yells at the others to turn the tape off. If you are this person you will hear the voice of someone who sounds like he’s drunk three litres of whisky and smoked sixty non-filtered cigarettes, inviting you to join him out in the woods. Do not be tempted to wander out into the woods in your nightgown and confront the voice. If you do and are met by the forest itself, think twice about refusing its sexual advances; it will only come back to haunt you (literally).

Once you’ve escaped the forest and collapsed back in the cabin, you will probably turn on your friends and stab one of them in the ankle. If you are this person’s boyfriend, don’t assume that being stabbed in the ankle by a pencil-wielding demon (who will be thrown into the cellar) constitutes no threat. It does!

Once the fuss has died down and the creature in the cellar has been secured by chains, do not mistake this for a cue to retire to bed.

For the guys this gets a little hairy as the women will turn first and turn on you. Do not be alarmed if, after having received a nasty cut from you, they just go the whole hog and chew their hand off. This never seems to work out for demons and you will manage to kill her/it, as well as dismember its body. On this subject: when your demonised girlfriend comes at you, a good line to remember is “hit it!” to a friend. It may seem obvious, but don’t be too sure.

After you’ve buried the girlfriend, you may feel like taking a long walk – i.e as far away from the cabin as you can get. Don’t bother. You won’t get further than the clearing. If you are the friend of the person who wants to go for a stroll and you let him go, don’t let him back in, no matter how badly lacerated he is. Speaking of which, if you do let him in and try to talk some sense into him, never slap him on the lacerated side of his face. He will remember and will get you back when he turns.

At this point the girl with the pencil wound will turn hellish and start laughing at you, spitting and singing things like “we’re going to get you.” Tell her to shut up if you like but it won’t work. This one will need dismembering as well, I’m afraid, with a shovel. Oh and do yourself a favour - kill her straight-off. Trust me, if you bury her alive she’ll simply undo all of your hard work and rise up out of the grave. Bloody annoying (no pun intended).

There are also some rules to bear in mind. An important one to remember is that a chainsaw is your friend. In fact in Part II, DEAD BY DAWN (1987) you’ll become so attached to it that you’ll actually have one fitted to replace your possessed hand (which you will lop off with an axe). But I digress.

When you run out of bullets, and you will (this isn’t some inane cop show where guns can carry 163 bullets in a magazine), consider if you really need them, because you will have to go into the cellar to fetch them. Also don’t ignore the fact that the two dead people in the house have now disappeared; notably the ugly one from the cellar. Point here: If you must put anything in the cellar, please ensure it’s something harmless like wine, or marmalade. Demonised friends in the cellar never work out. They have an annoying habit of escaping.

Things will get really ugly at this point (and messy), so make sure you’re wearing your worst blue denim shirt. After all it’s going to have to keep you for two more films.

You may at some point feel the urge to burn the Book of the Dead. Ordinarily I would say no to destroying literature. But in this case it’s perfectly understandable (if you want the demons to go away, that is.)

And finally, don’t count on a happy ending, but do count on two more films worth of work if you survive like Ash.

Now in terms of surviving your housemates, doesn’t that sound like more fun than Big Brother?

Happy trails.

** THE EVIL DEAD is available on video in South Africa, and most versions are complete. Try and get the Australian version if you can**

I’ll leave you this week with a bit useless but interesting trivia. In THE EVIL DEAD credits, extras are listed as “Fake Shemps”. According to many of the EVIL DEAD fan sites, Shemp Howard was originally a member of The Stooges. He was replaced by Curly, but made appearances in many of The Stooges films. After his death, scenes involving him were completed using stand-ins, referred to as ‘Fake Shemps’. The term has been heavily used by Raimi and Bruce Campbell (Ash), in their films, and reflects their devotion to The Stooges. In fact, much of the slapstick in EVIL DEAD II, DEAD BY DAWN is inspired by Stooges routines.

Answers to last week’s Quotes Quiz.
How did you find it? Too easy? Too hard? Too annoying? Want more? Drop me a line, and if you like I’ll make the quizzes a regular feature.

1.
AC: You don't have any goals.
JB: Oh but I do.
AC: Yeah?
JB: I wanna be just like you. I figure all I need, is a lobotomy and some tights.
BJ: You wear tights?
AC: No I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.
JB: Tights.
AC: Shut up.

Answer: Judd Nelson, Anthony Michael Hall and Emilio Estevez in John Hughes’ BREAKFAST CLUB (1985)

2.
Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

Answer: John Cleese as Reg in Terry Jones’s LIFE OF BRIAN (1979)

3.
FvF: Would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?
I: And you won't be angry?
FvF: I will NOT be angry.
I: Abby someone.
FvF: Abby someone. Abby who?
I: Abby Normal.

Answer:Gene Wilder and Marty Feldman in Mel Brook’s YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974)

4.
MM: Non!

Answer: Famous mime artist Marcel Marceau in the only speaking part in Mel Brooks’ SILENT MOVIE (1976).

5.
R: Flies? Why eat flies when I can have nice juicy spiders?

Answer: Dwight Frye as Renfield in Tod Browning’s DRACULA (1931)

6.
P: Explorers in the further regions of experience. Demons to some. Angels to others.

Answer: The quintessential movie monster – Pinhead - played by Doug Bradley in Clive Barker’s HELLRAISER (1987).

7.
MS: Would sir care for a starter of some garlic bread perhaps?
R: No, thank you. I will proceed directly to the intravenous injection of hard drugs, please.

Answer: Peter Mullan as Swanney (Mother Superior) and Ewan McGregor as Renton in Danny Boyle’s TRAINSPOTTING (1996).

8.
Mr.B: All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you aren't going to get.

Answer: Michael Madsen as Mr Blonde in Quentin Tarantino’s RESERVOIR DOGS (1992)

9.
TB: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? Huh? Ok.

Answer: Robert de Niro as Travis Bickle in Martin Scorcese’s TAXI DRIVER (1976)

10.
K: You smell that? Do you smell that? ...Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end...

Answer: Robert Duvall as Lt. Colonel William “Bill” Kilgore in Francis Ford Coppola’s APOCALYPSE NOW (1979).

Until Monday…

Feel free to disagree with all of the above and contact me with ideas, suggestions and abuse. I’m open to all three, although I do prefer qualified abuse.