» The Incredible Hulk

» The Happening

» Fido

» Good Luck Chuck

» The Incredible Hulk

» Bollywood rewards best

» Prince Caspian

» Definitely, Maybe

» Dutt eyes Indian politics

» Still got the sparkle

Today, 08 January 2009

» Gaza: war to get worse

» VIP unit deletes footage

» Rand will reign in 2009

» Mumbai killers talk death

» Team not behind KP

Yesterday, 07 January 2009

» Swimming pool blues

» Spike in anti-Semitism?

» Passenger shoots motorist

» ANC slams Israel attacks

» 'Remarkable Sydney scenes'

Don’t you just hate people who quote great meaty chunks of dialogue from a film and then ask you which film it’s from? If the answer is yes, you may not want to read on.

A cult film, whatever else it is, should at least be memorable. For most films this would include memorable visuals, audience impact or even branding. Film is a visual medium (yes, I have thought about it for a long time and it’s a fairly radical perspective) and the films we remember are those that make the best use of the fact.

When I think of TRAINSPOTTING I think of the toilet scene or Spud’s song after Tommy’s funeral; BLUE VELVET and those unforgettable shots of an azure sky, white picket fences and big yellow flowers (not a horticulturist I’m afraid); THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and the unforgiving introduction to Leatherface; and when I think of WATERWORLD, I immediately think of hurling myself off the nearest high-rise building (it’s a recurrent thing and completely inexplicable, and yes I am still bitter at having paid to see it!)

Andrew's obsession with cult films began at midnight at the age of ten, and involved a bowl of popcorn, an old television set and John Carpenter's Halloween. Little has changed since then, besides age, the popcorn and the fact that he can now climb dark stairwells after a horror movie by himself. Andrew is a published writer of horror fiction, a screenwriter and a freelance journalist. His time is spent largely in pursuit of a truly original horror film. Failing that he has threatened to make his own.

But visual associations aside, let’s not forget those great one liners; the scripting that makes its way into our everyday lives and canonises phrases like “d’ya feel lucky punk? Well do you?” No films spawn better lines than cult.

Of course not everyone runs around reciting Dirty Harry dialogue. That would be strange and frankly annoying, but perhaps we could avert disasters and global conflict, if we took lessons from other favourite cult film moments.

In preparation for this possible new paradigm shift I’ve come up with a few select situations where the quick use of a cult film quote may just get you out of a tight spot.

I sense some uncertainty here. Let me explain.

Say for example you’re late for work, rushing on the freeway and you get pulled over. When the Metro officer leans into the window, your opening line shouldn’t be “sorry officer”. Instead lay some CLOCKWORK ORANGE on him, such as “Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, ya eunuch jelly thou!”

Now in a job interview you would be hard-pressed to top Spud’s attempt in TRAINSPOTTING, but you won’t go far wrong with this BEETLEJUICE (1988) answer to the question of ‘why should we give you the job?’ “Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY-SINGLE-TIME-I-SEE IT!... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?!? You think I'm qualified?”

Or say you find yourself taken hostage by relatives with an endless supply of holiday slides or videos. Forget the insipid excuses and alibis. Simply say as frankly as possible: “You'll forgive me if I don't stay around to watch. I just can't cope with the freaky stuff.” VIDEODROME (1983).

And the next time you find yourself queueing for 45 minutes to post a letter that costs less than R2, is full of meaningless niceties and which, by the time you get it into the box is old anyway, consider screaming “Oh You bastards! Why are you torturing me like this? WHY!?!?!” as Ash did in Sam Raimi’s THE EVIL DEAD (1982).

These lines may just get you somewhere, or they may simply confuse the hell out of everyone. Either way – it’s loads of fun.

“Have you tried talking to a corpse? It's boring,” works well for any telephone operator who keeps you hanging on for hours before finally helping you. It worked for Griffin Dunne as the unlucky Jack in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981).

Hobbling towards your daughter’s new boyfriend, drooling, waving your arms and screeching “We accept you, one of us! Gooble Gobble”, is a sure-fire way to gain the upper hand. It’s from the Wedding Feast scene in Tod Browning’s FREAKS (1932).

Or if you find yourself handcuffing a thug to a car that’s about to explode, (and how many of us haven’t,) you might want to give him an option, a la Mel Gibson in MAD MAX (1979): “These cuffs are made of tensile steel. It would take you ten minutes to hack through them. [Hands Kid the hacksaw.] If you're quick, and if you're lucky, you can hack through your ankle in five”.

Or waiting to go upstairs to a nightclub? Lean across to your partner and state in a loud voice: “They went up there alive and came back down dead! Did you notice that? The difference, I mean: alive, dead, dead, alive, that sort of thing?” It’s from Danny Boyle’s SHALLOW GRAVE (1994), but you can apply it to almost any situation. The possibilities are endless.

Endless droning poetry lecturers? No problem, thanks to lines like this one from TANK GIRL (1995). “Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.” And should you get into trouble, no problem. Just have a friend come to your rescue with this: “She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?” PSYCHO (1960)

Ultimately clever scripting may form the basis for a great film, but at the end of the day the lines are only as good as the actors who deliver them. “I’ll be back” for example is hardly the stuff of great literary invention, but from Arnold Schwarzenegger and in the context of the mayhem that is THE TERMINATOR, the line is memorable and instantly appealing.

To close this week I think a quotes quiz is in order, so… “riddle me this”. Which films do these famous quotes come from? Email me your answers.

1.
AC: You don't have any goals.
JB: Oh but I do.
AC: Yeah?
JB: I wanna be just like you. I figure all I need, is a lobotomy and some tights.
BJ: You wear tights?
AC: No I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.
JB: Tights.
AC: Shut up.

2.
Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

3.
FvF: Would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?
I: And you won't be angry?
FvF: I will NOT be angry.
I: Abby someone.
FvF: Abby someone. Abby who?
I: Abby Normal.

4.
MM: Non!

5.
R: Flies? Why eat flies when I can have nice juicy spiders?

6.
P: Explorers in the further regions of experience. Demons to some; angels to others.

7.
MS: Would sir care for a starter of some garlic bread perhaps?
R: No, thank you. I will proceed directly to the intravenous injection of hard drugs, please.

8.
Mr.B: All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you aren't going to get.

9.
TB: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? Huh? Ok.

10.
K: You smell that? Do you smell that? ...Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end...

Answers next Monday.

Until then….

Feel free to disagree with all of the above and contact me with ideas, suggestions and abuse. I’m open to all three, although I do prefer qualified abuse.