You know what little kids need most?
To be in a celebrity reality show! Yes, sirree ? nothing improves your childhood and makes sure you grow up a well-balanced, happy adult than living out your junior years in front of a camera. And ? lucky them ? that's just what Denise Richards' daughters are going to get, as they star alongside mummy in Richards' new reality series.
Of course, their mean old dad Charlie Sheen tried to prevent three-year-old Sam and two-year-old Lola from getting to enjoy this marvellous experience, but happily the judge ruled in favour of Denise. The show will go on...
And lest you're thinking of judging Richards, just bear in mind that she couldn't manage this vanity project without the little ones. "I am a single mom and I am very hands-on with my kids," she explains, "so I can't do a show without the kids at all. I asked them if they wanted to be on TV and Sam said, 'Yes!'."
As every parent knows ? three- and two-year-olds are the best judges of what's good for them. Ooh, look, there's a truck full of sweets pulling up outside!
"My girls have been around it so much," adds Denise. "They love the make-up. They love the hair. They love all of that."
But what if you're one of those people who think it's a bad idea?
"I understand why people are judgmental right away saying: 'How could she have her kids on the show?' But as long as they're protected, I feel that they'll be OK."
You know what's really protective? Not putting toddlers in your reality show.
Still, isn't it about time Denise got to use her kids to look better? As she points out: "There has definitely been a lot of negative things written about me and going through my divorce. You know, I don't want to do a bunch of interviews and start mud-slinging with my ex. He's still their dad. I would like an opportunity for people to see who I am."
Oddly enough, fellow movie star Kate Hudson isn't so keen on the mini-celeb thing. In fact, she's wants it to be illegal for the paparazzi to snap pics of stars' kids without permission.
"It bothers me, it bothers my parents," says Goldie Hawn's daughter Hudson, who has a son with her ex, Chris Robinson. "Ryder doesn't know what that is. He's four years old. It's aggressive, it's bizarre and it makes him self-conscious. And kids should always be kids, they should never be self-conscious of what they're doing. That should be illegal."
Speaking of legalities ? I'm wondering just how long it'll take before Eminem gets sued over his upcoming memoir. The not uncontroversial rapper is planning to write a tell-all book about his life, which is set to burst onto the literary scene towards the end of the year.
Apparently "Everyone has their own take on Eminem. Because of where he is from, people think they know where he is at, what kind of person he really is. This book cuts through all that and gets to the source. It has an edge. It'll be one of the books of the year."
Of course, these are the words of Ian Preece, of Orion Books ? the publisher that will be putting out this great work.
Whatever the fate of Eminem's book, at least he's having a better time of it than fellow singer Britney Spears. Poor Brit has been in the midst of disaster for some months now, and good news has been thin on the ground for her. But now there's at least a little ray of sunshine for the star. Turns out Spears' perfume is the very best-selling scent in the UK at the moment ? taking in a colossal #13-million (almost R200-million) last year alone. Kylie Minogue's been relegated to runner-up in the fragrance charts, with the Beckhams, J.Lo, Sarah Jessica Parker and Diddy (no 'P' any more, these days) trailing in Britney's wake.
I'm afraid I can't keep up the good news, though. The column takes a dark turn now, with the news that Matthew McConaughey is taking his shirt off yet again ? and we're likely going to be constantly assailed with the topless actor. Oh, happy days!
Seems the stomach-churning Matt will be stripping down (oh, wait ? he appears not to have any shirt on anyway. How convenient...) for Dolce & Gabbana's new television fragrance ad. And to think I'm going to land up inadvertently seeing him on my TV screen some day soon. My eeeeeeeeeeyes!
(Yes, sure, I know that he's got chiselled abs and all, but there's just something about Mr. McConaughey that gives me the grils.)
Heath Ledger was always easy on the eyes ? not to mention a really good actor. Now his ex, and mother of his daughter Matilda, Michelle Williams has just spoken publicly for the first time since his death.
"Obviously so much has changed for me in the last few months that I don't really have and idea of what my life is going to be," says Williams. "I thought I knew certain things and it turned out that I didn't, so I don't really try and anticipate so much anymore. I'm not making any bets on the future."
At least she's got less media attention since she and Ledger split, says Michelle: "When you're in a relationship with somebody who is also a public personality, then it doubles the attention from the media. When you minus that equation, it's just less enticing. That's been a real bonus. It's the plus side of the break-up for me."
Still, it doesn't help much with the heartache of losing your daughter's dad.
The men of The Rolling Stones are now not so much old enough to be your dad, as your granddad. And just like your grandparents, they aren't shy with their judgments on people's lives.
"She should get her act together," is the pronouncement of Sir Mick Jagger on the topic of singer Amy Winehouse. "When we were experimenting, little was known about the effects. In our time there were no rehab centres. Anyway, I didn't know about them."
Ah, yes ? Mick was the very model of smart choices in his youth. And in later life. Oh, wait, no ? he was middle-aged when his wife finally divorced him because he'd got a young model pregnant. Glass houses, Sir Mick; glass houses.
More star irony ? in next week's Bitch and Famous!