It's often been observed that if any real-life police forces had half the resources they've got on any on the 'CSI' franchises, getting away with crime would be pretty difficult (of course, we'd be paying 80% of our income in taxes to fund all those gadgets…).

So, think it's all terrible in SA and the American police really do have 'CSI'-style set-ups? Think again! But, then again, some crime fighting doesn't really require all that much technology.

Perhaps Gary Dourdan, who plays Warrick Brown on the original of the 'CSI' shows, could tell us a little more about that. Because when you allegedly fall asleep behind the wheel of a wildly parked car while high and in possession of a pharmacy-full of illegal drugs – well, it doesn't take a policing genius to nail you.

The hapless Dourdan was found and arrested after police searched his car and reportedly found heroin, cocaine, Ecstacy and prescription drugs! Evidently Gary was intent on covering all his bases.

As it happens, Dourdan was already set to leave 'CSI' in May, according to the US's 'TV Guide' mag. Sources close to the show say that the plan is for his character to leave the series, "in a spectacular fashion." They're going to have to work hard to top real life.

Almost as horrifying – the Miley Ray Cyrus debacle!

A few yawn-inducingly ordinary photos of a 'topless' Miley with a blanket thoroughly covering anything interesting… and you have an incident so terrible, to some minds, that it's clearly an early sign of the apocalypse.

Things are kind of rough right now for the 15-year-old 'Hannah Montana' star – beloved goddess of a million enraptured tweens.

You know the story by now – first Billy 'Achy Breaky Heart' Ray Cyrus's daughter Miley happily posed for the US Vanity Fair mag spread; then she/Disney realised that having precious (read "worth billions") little Miley feature in 'racy' pictures would like not go down well with America's Bible Belt parents…

So, Miley denounced the photos; 'Vanity Fair' hit back; then Disney announced that their starlet would be staying out of the limelight for five or six months; and so it goes on.

But no matter what kind of exploitation of a minor Vanity Fai' may have been accused of, I sincerely doubt they're upset about this thing. (a) It's patently obvious that Miley was perfectly happy about the shoot until Disney flipped out about it – as were her parents, who were on the set of the shoot the whole time! (b) Given that four million visitors hit up the magazine's site in just one day trying to see the pics, I think 'Vanity Fair' are okay with the whole brouhaha.

And I'm guessing Miley Ray Cyrus isn't too, too sad – since she's just been ranked the richest kid in the whole world! She's reportedly set to be worth $100 million (more than R750 million) by next year, and she made $18 million (over R135 million) last year. Eat your heart out Olsen twins.

But, lest you feel a pang of jealousy – let's remember that Miley still has a dad with a mullet, and surely the poor girl doesn't have any time for boys, what with taking over the world, one tween pop-rock anthem at a time?

Not so Jennifer Aniston! She has time for boys.

Sadly, the guy she's reportedly been hanging out with lately is John Mayer. Why, Jen? Why? Mayer's not exactly butt ugly, but he's no real oil painting either, and – more importantly, he used to date Jessica Simpson. There are only two options: He's insane, or very stupid. And neither makes for a good boyfriend.

Then, again, hey – maybe he just dated Jess because someone made him a bet he couldn't refuse. Or perhaps he was severely concussed when he first hooked up with her and he was too much of a gentleman to break the news to her right away after he got better.

Says the manager of the restaurant in Florida where the two were spotted together, "I can't speculate on what kind of meeting it was, but they looked happy and seemed to have a great time." Other sources claim it was definitely a date. Personally, I'm hoping for Jen's sake it was purely business.

No mixing business and love for Ashton Kutcher. He's nixed the idea of starring in anything opposite his lovely wife Demi Moore.

No doubt wary of the deadly Bennifer effect, Ashton concedes that he would work on the same movie as Demi, "if our characters weren't interacting," but otherwise he's against the idea. "Our lives are like a soap opera, and I think it would be hard for people to disconnect from work and real life."

Never shy of mixing private life and public comment are the Baldwin brothers. But William Baldwin has at least spoken out about something rather more worthy of a public airing than his eldest brother Alex's comments on his ongoing custody nightmare over his and Kim Basinger's daughter Ireland.

William – star of 'Backdraft' and 'Dirty Sexy Money' (coming up on M-Net in September) – has just hit out at another of the endless tribe of Baldwins – his brother Stephen – for being a homophobe.

"I asked him: 'Do you think a gay couple should be married? And if not, do you think they deserve access to the same rights on a federal level and state level that you do?'" says William. And his version of Stephen's response? "'Because God said and the Bible says that marriage is an institution that exists solely between a man and a woman, blah, blah, blah', and he falls behind that crap."

"And I said: 'Well if you had a choice – if you and your wife were to die and your kids were still young, and you had a choice between your children being in foster care and potentially being physically and emotionally and sexually abused, as opposed to being adopted by a loving, healthy, caring lesbian or gay couple, what would you rather have?' He couldn't really answer, and I said: 'Thank God Dad isn't here on this earth right now, because he would be so devastated and so horrified.'" Eish. I guess Stephen lost that round.

More celeb vileness and virtue – in next week's Bitch and Famous!