You're going to be crying yourselves to sleep when you hear this, dear readers. It's a dark day for the big screen... Madonna's giving up acting.

Hard to believe that the shining light of such cinematic treats as 'Swept Away' and 'Body of Evidence' will no longer be dazzling us with her talent. But, sadly, such is the way of things - sometimes we just have to let go gracefully.

Good news, though! She's going to trade in acting for directing. I'm sure her director hubby is thrilled at the prospect. Perhaps they could co-direct a few flicks together.

But what prompted this change? "Now I've tasted directing... it's like Eve and the apple, I have to have a second bite," says Madge. "If you're an actress, it's not your vision." No, it involves a lack of total control, which can be so annoying. "The director tells the story, [whereas, as an actress] you are the chess piece that is moved around. That doesn't suit my personality." Indeed, it does not.

Unfortunately, her first foray into producing hasn't gone all that well. Her documentary — the catchily-titled 'I Am Because We Are' — had its planned premiere at the Glastonbury festival canned because nobody really wanted to see it.

"Poor ticket sales for the festival put her [Madonna] off. After talks with the organisers it was decided the festival was not the right venue to showcase the film," says a source. Yup, clearly the showcase's fault. Bad showcase!

The doccie takes a look at the life of kids in Malawi. Personally, I can imagine no greater joy than having the great white people who come in magical flying metal birds make some heart-rending documentary about my country, which they've visited, like, two whole times. Happy days.

And, incidentally, in case you've been worrying — no, Madonna and her man Guy Ritchie are apparently not getting a divorce, despite the seemingly never-ending speculation to that effect. Also, Madonna hasn't hired the crack divorce attorney Nicholas Mostyn, who got all that money out of Paul McCartney when he split from the lovely Heather Mills.

A rep for Madge has branded the gossip "completely untrue".

What is reportedly quite true is that Britney's back! She's apparently planning to shoot her new music vid in London next week. And, according to her ex-manager Larry Rudolph: "She will be behind the camera as much as possible; she wants to make sure it's exactly right."

So, what's the story behind the new video? "The theme is her and her girlfriends are going to be looking all around London trying to find a boy who she met in a club," explain Rudolph to The New York Post. "Every time they think they have him, it's someone else." Brilliant!

Also rather cunning... Ryan Philippe, who looks to have pulled off a Brangelina-esque wait-until-long-enough-after-the-divorce-that-no-one-cares with his new girlf Abbie Cornish. Remember there was all that speculation that he was seeing Abbie after they met co-starring in a movie together, while he and Reese Witherspoon were still married? Well, things were very quiet after that, though he and Abbie were seen hanging out 'as friends'...

And, now that all the attention's died down, they've come out as a couple. Philippe just appeared with Cornish Down Under, where she got a 2008 Australians in Film Breakthrough Award. "They were adorable," cooed a fellow award ceremony guest. "He had his arm around her and they were cosy and comfortable."

But were they as cute and Tomatie? Ja, I know that TomKat has become the gold standard of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes abbreviations, but I just can't bear to give up the glorious, home-grown 'Tomatie' — it seems so apt.

Seems, too, that Manhattan better brace itself for Hollywood's power couple — the pair will likely be putting in many an appearance in the Big Apple now that Holmes has landed a gig on Broadway, in Arthur Miller's 'All My Sons'.

Katie, Tom and little Suri have reportedly been staying at the swanky Carlyle Hotel while they scout for a deluxe apartment to house them during the play's run. The ultra-expensive Upper East Side of Manhattan has been the focus of their property search. And, Katie's apparently been looking at flats renting for $60 000 (close on half a million rand) per month. Don't you just love the New York City real estate market?

No love for the US' crazy drinking-age requirements from 'Heroes' star Hayden Panettiere. "I can buy porn or kill someone in war, but I can't have a glass of wine," fumes the star.

"If I could change one thing about America, it would be its ridiculous age limits on things. That's why I love visiting Britain. I can walk into a bar and order a drink without having to show my passport. That's so cool."

Ja, I have to say, getting asked for ID every time I buy wine at the supermarket, or even just step into a bar, is pretty weird. They sure do take their drinking-age seriously in America. And thank goodness for that. I mean, it's not like at 21 you've already been able to drive legally for five years, or have long been deemed mature enough to decide to have sex, or already been allowed to vote for three years . Oh, wait...

Also straining the limits of reason — Dina Lohan.

Dina has obviously been feeling a little criticised — no doubt following public and press reaction to the recent US debut of her new reality show 'Living Lohan', cataloguing her attempts to get her young teen daughter Ali to reach the dizzy heights of stardom already enjoyed by Lindsay Lohan (yup, she's having a whale of time is Linds).

The media has it quite wrong. Enrolling with a talent agency at the age of three? That was all Lindsay's idea.

But, unbelievably, people are still calling Dina a pushy, showbiz mother. Is it true? "No! I have pushy kids! My girls are talented. I can't say: 'You're going to get hurt so you can't proceed with your dream,'" the selfless Dina tells OK! magazine. "That wouldn't be fair."

Damn straight. It's certainly not a parent's role to shield their children from things they think they want but which might destroy their lives. Nor is it a parent's duty to stand in the way of the heartfelt and completely independent desire of a three year old to become a big star. No, siree.

I just wish my parents had cared for me that much when I was a child, instead of stopping me from jumping off the roof — thwarting the realisation of my cherished dream to fly like Bat Girl. Selfish bastards.

More impenetrable wisdom from the stars — in next week's Bitch and Famous!