Bets are on! Just how quickly after the birth of baby number four will Vicki be able to get back to shopping for her clother in the kids' department?

But, guess what: in the interests of your sanity, I'm leaving that couch-jumping loon Tom Cruise and his child-bride Katie Holmes out of this column!

Is that the sound of cheering I hear or a dejected sigh? Perhaps you were hoping for some juicy updates on the pair...

Well, the only thing I'll say (and I'm certainly not the first to make this observation) is, I think I must really be getting bad at maths. When exactly did the crazy-in-love couple's pregnancy get under way? Because that young woman has a stomach the size of a house.

Can't have been long after he called her to a meeting with him. And, truly, who could think of a more romantic way to start a relationship than having your people set it up with her people? A baby was inevitable.

Don't go expecting any little Orlando Blooms to be running around soon... I don't think this lad is quite finished with the party circuit yet. But, in all fairness, he's really not as prone to flitting from woman to woman as he's made out to be – or so he claims.

Affair rumours are just the "price you pay for a great job and lifestyle, like tax", says the Bloomster, in reference to all the "he's getting it on with co-star Kirsten Dunst" talk.

He did say of Dunst that: "She's a fantastically layered and instinctual actress". Uh, whatever that means. On affairs, he says: :"If you want to screw around, it's your choice and you accept it when you're caught"

Hmm, strange then that he didn't say much in the way of accepting that he'd fooled around at that polo match with Sienna Miller just after the whole Jude-affair scandal broke. Or was he just being a generous guy and comforting her with a bit of friendly snogging?

Moving on... Monica Bellucci – who always kind of reminds me of voluptuous TV chef Nigella Lawson – is, like Lawson, planning to hang onto her curves and give Hollywood the finger when it comes to weight loss.

"I could never live there," says Bellucci of LA and its crazy body mania.

"They are obsessed with youth and beauty even more than us (Italians)," she says. "There is this thing in America where actresses reach forty and go mad."

Well, you'd also go mad if all your work suddenly dried up. That's why so many of them can be found in plastic surgeons’ consulting rooms on their fortieth birthdays.

"The film industry wants all these young people," the star of 'The Matrix' sequels and 'The Passion of the Christ' says.

"They also like a different sort of woman (to her). I will never be skinny. I also had a child a year ago, and I have been lazy. I love to eat. Who cares? I am natural."

Ah, ha! There's your mistake, Monica. I'm afraid you better fire whoever told you that La-la Land likes natural.

Natural or otherwise, I don't think anyone could accuse 'Desperate Housewives' headliner Teri Hatcher of being too fat for LA. And now the skinny star is branching out from acting into writing her very own flick, as well as penning a self-help book and autobiography!

"It's been my dream to make my own movie and I plan to do this during the next break from 'Housewives'," says Teri, who's got a big film studio to sign up for the project.

Apparently, the movie will be "an inspiring story that women around the world will relate to", according to the Hatcher.

Hey, I'll go watch it, as long as it bears no resemblance whatsoever to that shockingly bad J.Lo vehicle 'Enough' – in which she inspires women the world over by learning hand-to-hand combat techniques in the space of a brief video montage and then goes on to inspiringly kill her abusive ex-husband.

TRIXY HONORÉ

(pronounced On-or-ay) is a lover of celeb gossip and based in Cape Town — though she prefers to live out the winter months on the Riviera. Trixy is dedicated to extracting what substance she can from the world of style, while never forgetting the vital importance of trivia, and an elegant pair of gloves, in the well-rounded life. Elvis, charming manners, nice shoes and a good haircut are on her list of life’s essentials.

Got something to say about Bitch and Famous? Email her!

Teri's fellow housewife Eva Longoria is feeling nothing but goodwill towards men – in particular her man: "You can see all of my tatts, they're all on public display, but the one that has Tony's initials is only seen by him."

A secret tattoo... how romantic. Okay, not so secret now, but at least it's hidden. But, given some of those men's mag shoots Eva's been doing, I have to wonder where exactly she’s managed to hide that thing...

Speaking of hiding things – perhaps you, dear readers, can help me out here. Rumour has it that Kate Moss may have been set up in the whole coke scandal by her very own dealer (who wanted, and got, loads of tabloid money for the offending tape). Oh, the injustice of it!

Anyway, what I want to know is where this guy hid the camera. Because, if he didn't hide it, why can't Kate just ID the bloke?

I guess I'm failing to see where the whole mystery comes into it, unless Kate is just keeping tight-lipped about the incident, which, I suppose, wouldn't be the worst thing to do.

Yes, it's time for more of Trixy's patented advice for the stars! Strange, I'm having to haul this out a lot lately...

Here goes: Kate, love, time to focus on, um, parenting – what with that toddler you've spawned and all. Fewer drugs, more hugs are the order of the day.

Now on to something rather amusing. Just the other day someone commented to me that Paris Hilton is a lot like Zsa Zsa Gabor was in her day – that is, very famous although without any discernable talent.

Seems others are of the same opinion, since Little Ms Famous for Being Famous is said to be "in negotiations" to play Zsa Zsa in an upcoming flick.

Wait, I was too hasty. Zsa Zsa did manage an achievement or two – she was crowned Miss Hungary 1936, after all.

Sticking with talentless hacks... Word is that the "celeb stars at my wedding" one-upmanship game is all the rage. Well-financed heiress Athina Onassis Roussel is reported to be enlisting J.Lo to musically ruin, uh, that is, sing at her December union.

The rumoured fee? A mere $3 million (R20 million). But, would you believe it, the gossip is that Lopez is planning to give the cash to a charity. Wow, that just melts my heart...

Finally, I leave you the happy note that Mary-Kate Olsen is all set to break out of home videos of the Mary-Kate-and-Ashley-meet-some-boys-at-the-local-soda-fountain ilk. She's planning on actually acting.

Word is that she’s got a role in the upcoming Andy Warhol biopic 'Factory Girl', alongside Sienna Miller. M-K is said to have the part of "speed freak" Bridget Berlin. But, if you want me to comment on that one, you're going to have to hire me a lawyer!

Lots more celebrity secrets – next week in Bitch and Famous! Want to make sure you never miss the latest Bitch and Famous? Just send a blank email and you'll get a weekly reminder, plus extra gossip exclusive to subscribers!