Johnny be good!

If the sheer joy of seeing him do the whole ‘he-ey’ / ‘ho-oh’ routine with the audience for at least the third award ceremony in a row wasn’t enough fun for you – there was still the reprise of the ‘crying over my beloved departed granny’ shtick to enjoy. Pause, wrinkle face, restrain sob, choke back tears, repeat…

But perhaps (I can’t believe I’m saying this!) it was for the best that Johnny didn’t win. Not because he always says how much he hates this stuff and hopes never to win (and yet eagerly turns up to the awards every time he’s nominated…) – but because I think the less the world got to see of that outfit of his the better.

Those chiselled cheek-bones and general beautifulness are brought out gloriously in his movies, but the man clearly shouldn’t be left to his own devices when it comes to fashion. The first time he appeared on-screen on Oscar night, I did a double take: Surely Colonel Saunders isn’t still alive? Oh, Johnny – go home and seriously rethink that wardrobe!

The gorgeously-dressed Cate Blanchett’s win for Best Supporting Actress was very welcome, and long overdue. Great to see her finally holding an Oscar aloft – after that rather shameful year when the Academy overlooked her brilliant performance in ‘Elizabeth’ and gave the statuette to Gwyneth Paltrow for ‘Shakespeare in Love’. Huge Gwynie fan that I am, even I though Cate should have got it then (and we’d have been spared Paltrow’s famous blubbing, thank-you-everyone-I’ve-ever-met speech).

TRIXY HONORÉ (pronounced On-or-ay) is a lover of celeb gossip and based in Cape Town - though she prefers to live out the winter months on the Riveria. Trixy is dedicated to extracting what substance she can from the world of style, while never forgetting the vital importance of trivia, and an elegant pair of gloves, in the well-rounded life. Elvis, charming manners, nice shoes and a good haircut are on her list of life’s essentials. Got something to say about Bitch and Famous? Email her!

Hopefully, though, that little golden man is keeping Gwyneth company at the moment, during all these ‘marriage about to implode’ rumours doing the rounds. She and Chris Martin have been relatively lucky gossip-wise since they hooked up – helped no doubt by their swift nuptials and the arrival of baby Apple not long after.

But now, with nothing new coming from camp Paltrow-Martin, the tabloids are getting restive. Chris wasn’t in evidence at the Oscars – where Gwynie was making a turn as a presenter (generously introduced by Chris Rock as the only woman every to have breast-fed an apple!). Aaaargh! No husband in sight – they must be on the rocks! But, hey, let’s take a moment to think about this… Regardless of the real state of their marriage, Chris’s Oscar absence isn’t really a massive crisis, is it?

Just think Bennifer. Ever see those two apart when they were a couple? Exactly. We were beginning to suspect they were one person, and look at them now. As Paltrow herself commented to best-friend-of-Oprah Gayle King, backstage at the Academy Awards: “You see people sort of get together and break up and it always seems like the ones who are the most public with it sort of suffer the most publicly if it doesn't work out... It just seems like it invites the whole world in and I just prefer to not do it that way.”

“We are,” she assured the world, “a happy household.” Long may it stay that way!

Staying with celebs currently in marriage-rumour hell, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey (that simple couple of MTV’s ‘Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica’ fame) are having to put out some fires. That’s because Jessica is said to have got it on with her ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ co-star Johnny Knoxville – also an MTV regular, on ‘Jackass’.

Johnny is apparently incensed by the rumours. Perhaps because of the way they reflect on his taste in women? I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Nick needn’t lose any sleep over this one. Although, come to think of it, while Johnny-and-Jessica might be an incredibly strange pairing – it really isn’t any more unbelievable than the fact that the seemingly crazy Knoxville is still alive after all the half-brained stuff he’s done.

On to someone with her head far more firmly on her shoulders. Yes, Britney Spears certainly doesn’t waste her time with daft rubbish – like getting into a dog competition with Paris Hilton.

Britney managed to wedge her foot firmly in her mouth recently by suggesting that her dogs Bit Bit, Lacy Loo and Lucky (poor animals) are cuter than Hilton’s beloved Tinkerbell. Since, dare I say it, Tink’s adoring tail-wagging seems to be the closest thing Paris has to true love at present – perhaps dissing the dog wasn’t the smartest move ever made by the pop princess.

“My dogs are styling and profiling because Von Dutch just sent them the coolest little clothes. I think my dogs are so much cuter than Tinkerbell.” There really is nothing like getting your canines in painfully hip clothing to help them style and profile, is there?

Thankfully, all’s well now, as Britters smoothed things over: “I hope none of you really took my comments seriously when I was talking about Bit Bit and Tinkerbell. I was just being silly and of course I think that Tinkerbell is very cute. Who knows? Maybe they will have a little play date together!” My tail’s wagging at the very thought.

Not everyone’s got a brain of mush, though. There are people after something a little more highbrow. I’d love to tell you that that’s why ‘Jerry Springer – The Opera’s run in New York, on Broadway, has fallen through – but, sadly, it’s just the result of a bunch of people worried that the show would spread low morals, because there’re a lot of swearing in it.

The Christian Voice organisation even reportedly managed to get the cancer charity Maggie’s Centres to refuse $19 000 (well over R100 000) generated by a special fund-raising performance of the show in London. “At the moment it's off... because of the furore,” says producer Jon Thoday.

When you think about it, what cancer patient would want to be supported through the shameful use of expletives?

Ben Affleck’s films on the other hand, could do with a bit more swearing to draw attention away from his acting. But let me not give the man a hard time – the unfortunate star has had a string of box office disasters, from ‘Gigli’ and ‘Paycheck’ (which really wasn’t that bad) to ‘Jersey Girl’ and ‘Surviving Christmas’ (which I’m willing to bet good money was indeed that bad).

So, to claw his way back up there, he’s taking the role of late actor George Reeves, who starred in ‘Superman’ alongside Christopher Reeves and was subsequently murdered. Ben’s even taking a massive pay cut (apparently he’s getting ‘just’ $2.8 million – over R16.5 million) in the hopes that ‘Truth, Justice and the American Way’ will get him a little critical acclaim for a change. Co-starring with him is fellow Oscar-winner Adrien Brody.

Personally, I’m willing to give Ben a chance. Maybe he’ll shock me and actually pull some acting out of the bag!

I don’t think anything Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst could do would shock anyone now. He can’t have been very happy, though, when his cell phone got hacked recently – revealing some compromising little sex videos and photos.

Embarrassing, sure, but as he told MTV.com: “Everyone, probably everyone in this building, has done something similar to what I did, and nobody cares about it. But if you're high-profile or on someone's radar – then it matters. What happens to me happens to me, and I have to live with it and go on.” Perhaps he and Paris can swap coping tips. Hilton, of course, just had more raunchy snaps of her popped on the internet, when her phone too was hacked. As that Radiohead song goes: You do it to yourself, you do…

Now here’s a celeb you can actually feel sorry for: Jude Law – who’s still being dogged by talk that he’s about to pull that engagement ring right off Sienna Miller’s finger.

Latest talk has it that Jude ditched his ex, Sadie Frost, because of her partying lifestyle and is now threatening to do the same with social butterfly Miller. “Jude was under pressure last week in America and wanted to talk to Sienna. But each time he called, she was out. After the BAFTAs, Sienna partied until 6am with Leonardo DiCaprio, Rodrigo De La Serna and Gael Garcia Bernal, despite texts from Jude urging her to call it a night. He isn't happy about it,” claims a reported insider. But Jude insists it’s total rubbish. “Jude is not unhappy with Sienna's lifestyle,” commented a Law rep. “They are very happy and are still planning to marry.”

Finally, I leave you with one last Oscar item. Seems the lithe Gisele Bundchen is none too pleased that her little Leo wasn’t given the Oscar on Sunday night.

“I was really there to support him (Leo). He's not just my boyfriend but he's an amazing actor,” gushes the supermodel. “He's really talented and I was so proud of him. I figured I should go and support my man so I went there just for that reason. I don't think he was expecting to win. I think I was more upset because I thought he deserved it more than (Jamie Foxx). I was like, 'He did a better job than (Foxx)!’”

Having yet to see ‘The Aviator’ – and given that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to bring myself to watch ‘Ray’ – I’ll have to do something unusual, for me, and reserve judgement on this one! See you all in a fortnight, for more delicious Bitch and Famous!