Exhibit one: the bidding frenzy over J. Lo’s marriage to Ben Affleck — and they haven’t even picked out a church yet, let alone a date. OK! seems pretty determined to get their paws on an exclusive deal with the nicely-tanned couple — with an offer that’s rumoured to be as high as $1.5-million (over R12-million). Said a rep for OK! to the US’s MSNBC: "I can confirm that OK! magazine is currently negotiating and bidding on the exclusive pictures of the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck wedding."

But Camp Lopez isn’t keen to look as if they’re rushing into any money-grabbing wedding cash-in — says J. Lo’s manager, Benny Medina: "For some time now they have been pursuing the opportunity, without any response. They put out feelers to find out how much it would take. But there's no price." So we can expect no Jenny-from-the-Block-sanctioned pics of the bid day then? Let’s wait and see…

TRIXY HONORE is a devotee of star gossip and Elvis Presley, counting among her enemies the modern colonial mindset and experimental jazz. She's of the firm belief that the lack of radio airtime nowadays given to such luminaries as The Beatles or the Spice Girls is the root of society's current malaise. Asked to pick her style icons, she would opt for Tretchikoff, Gwyneth Paltrow and Dorothy Parker. Trixy lives with a menagerie of acrylic, plastic, Piscean and human characters in Cape Town. Got something to say about Bitch and Famous? Email her!

Okay, I’ll come clean — I’m just as confused as you are about this whole Demi Moore-and-Ashton Kutcher tryst. Moore’s been linked — in a ridiculously short space of time — to Tobey Maguire, Owen Wilson and Colin Farrell, amongst others — and now it’s Kutcher’s name that keeps popping up. In fact, the time period in which Demi’s supposed to have romanced all these youngsters is so brief that it’s almost as if… no it couldn’t be… almost as if they were just people she’d bumped into or had the odd meal with.

Not just an odd meal with Ashton, though, or so they say. Moore’s reported to have taken the ‘Just Married’ star to Bermuda, and cruised off to Paradise Island on P. Diddy’s yacht! (Followed by alleged ‘kissing and cuddling’ in a ‘popular nightspot’ on the island!)

Look, maybe this is true love/lust, but let’s stop and think for a moment. Demi’s nabbed a part in the new ‘Charlie’s Angels’ instalment — ‘Full Throttle’ — after a bit of tinkering with the old physique and now she’s constantly spotted with an ever-growing string of toy-boys in the run-up to the film’s release. And why all these lads who were in nappies when she was bouncing around to the hits of disco era?

Well, for just how long are we going to care whether she really is ever going to get back with Bruce Willis?

Actually, that’s not a rhetorical question. Demi’s covering all her bases, just in case you are still interested in the will-they-won’t-they happiest-divorced-couple in La-la Land thing, Demi’s said to have wrangled Bruce a cameo in the upcoming ‘Charlie’s Angels’ flick. "Demi not only welcomed it," claims a source about her feelings on working with her ex, "she lobbied for Bruce." Ain’t that sweet?

So, you thought bunnies were also pretty sweet little things? Well, ‘The Brown Bunny’ — the movie, ridiculed by Cannes critics, that I mentioned last column — seems to be producing anything but sweetness. Remember I mentioned that Vincent Gallo had reportedly apologised for the movie? Not true, he says now — he claims Screen International, who published the quote, misquoted him.

Plus, Gallo is furious with Roger Ebert, one of America’s most powerful movie critics, who also mentioned his apology (as well as totally panning ‘Bunny’, incidentally). So, was Gallo done wrong? Not according to Ebert: "'Absolutely insane stuff from Gallo,' (Screen International) editor Colin Brown assured me. 'Not only is everything we wrote in Cannes exactly as he spewed out, word for word, it was all recorded on audio tape.'"

And Mr Gallo’s perspective: "I never apologised for anything in my life. I like the movie. I had 100 percent creative and financial control of it and if I didn't like it, I would have changed it. The only thing I'm sorry about is putting a curse on Roger Ebert's colon (Yup, that’s right — he cursed his colon, not his column!). If a fat pig like Roger Ebert doesn't like my movie, then I'm sorry for him."

Of course, I’m assuming this is an accurate quote!

Well, the upshot of all this is loads of free publicity for ‘Bunny’. Lucky I’m not cynical or anything, or I’d say that was the idea all along…

Turns out Angelina Jolie was also harbouring a bit of a grudge — but this one against someone fictional! The pouty-lipped Jolie actually hated Lara Croft — the computer game lass she brought to life on the big screen — when she first got to grips with her. Jolie complained that her ‘Tomb Raider’ character was initially just a "cartoonish cute girl in hot pants."

Cartoonish? Imagine! Still, Angelina says: "Now, I’ve really come to like Lara, so she’s just like a weird friend."

"But in the beginning," she says, "I hated her. The image was that she's extremely voluptuous and wears little shorts and that was all. To be honest, the first version of the script was about as bad as that. She was too cheesy and more like Barbarella — she wasn't the adventurer or strong woman she is now. I started talking to the people making it and there was a big discussion about the short shorts." Yes, totally got away from those in the final movie…

Dare I offer some script-choice advice? Computer-game heroines are made to appeal to teenaged boys, Angelina. If you’re looking for decent female characters, don’t follow in Kylie’s footsteps! (Really, I’m not trying to diss Kylie, but does anyone remember her in ‘Street Fighter: The Movie’? The sooner I blot that whole film from memory the better.)

From action roles of debatable success to a sure-fire skiet en donder winner; Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he’s not only going to be back in ‘Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines’, perhaps far more frighteningly he’s also thinking of running for political office. As it happens, he won’t actually be able to follow Reagan’s Hollywood-to-the-White House act, as the US President has to have been born in America — but he could be running for Governor of California.

"I might start thinking about it after ‘Terminator 3’ is released," he says. "So much has to be done for marketing, publicity, commercial tie-ins, and the merchandising."

You’ve seen the movie, eaten the promotional burger and bought the action figure — now elect the star.

Nicole Kidman certainly doesn’t seem to be short of votes herself lately — albeit ones for entertainment rather than political awards. Can you believe she’s just picked up yet another style prize? She wasn’t able to accept it in person, though — having to jet back to LA to reshoot troublesome scenes in her new movie ‘The Human Stain’, in which she co-stars with Sir Anthony Hopkins. The legendary Lauren Bacall stood in for her, though — accepting the award of ‘Fashion Icon’ at the New York CFDA (Council of Fashion Designers of America) Fashion Awards on her behalf.

Staying with some of the more perfectly turned out of the those in the celeb world… word is that the supermodel-film-star wedding of Christy Turlington and Edward Burns is finally going to be happening — this very weekend. Turlington and Burns were all set to marry in October 2001, but they put off the wedding after the September 11 attacks and then subsequently split up. All seems to be back on track now, though, since their reconciliation — and a US entertainment mag reports that anti-smoking yoga-fundi Christy’s getting U2’s Bono to walk her down the aisle.

From the sweetness of true love to the even better sweetness of lots and lots of chocolate! A whole factory full of the stuff… Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are in talks with the mighty Warner Bros studio (makers of ‘The Matrix’, amongst other recent blockbuster hits) to produce another big-screen version of ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ — one of Roald Dahl’s classic stories.

Tim Burton has been named as a possible director for the project — apparently the powers in charge of the late Roald Dahl’s estate have put ‘Nightmare before Christmas’ and ‘Sleepy Hollow’ director Burton at the top of their list.

From stars getting up to their elbows in chocolate to a celeb getting down and dirty in the trenches with us ordinary folk… After ‘The Matrix’s huge Cannes splash it also got a premiere in London — a city not exactly known for its perfect weather. But that didn’t hold the movie’s star, Keanu Reeves, back from spending half-an-hour greeting fans in the pouring rain. Some lucky Londoners managed to nab an autograph or get their picture taken with Keanu, after having waited hours in the awful weather for the chance.

Said the sweet star: "I wish I could have stayed out longer. It's absolutely fantastic. It's extraordinary. Some people have been really anxious for this film to come out and I just hope it lives up to their expectations." Must be living up to them quite nicely, given the amount of money it’s making…

But you know me — I just can’t bear to finish on a heart-warming note! So here’s something a little more stomach-turning to end off with: "It's so violent. People will leave the movie theatre or get sick in the movie theatre." This is high-kicking queen Lucy Liu on Tarantino’s new flick ‘Kill Bill’, in which she’s starring with the always fascinating Uma Thurman. "But there's so much violence that it becomes not numbing, but almost comedic," continues Liu.

"There's a scene where there's so much violence that the colour of the film goes into black-and-white, so that the blood looks like oil. It's cinematic, it's art. You can take it to a different level and show what violence is in such a heightened manner that you don't think of it as violence anymore; you think of it as a language. If you go to ‘Kill Bill’, you know there's going to be violence — that's your option."

Well, it maybe be art, as Lucy says, but you better have a strong stomach…

And with that I leave you. In next week’s column you can find out just what Eric Benet has to say about having cheated on his A-list actress wife Halle Berry, and which movie star harbours secret dreams of breaking into rock (and has some recordings to prove it).

Got something to say about Bitch and Famous? Email me.

Want to make sure you don’t miss your weekly dose of Bitch and Famous? Join the mailing list: you’ll get a once-a-week email letting you know when the new column’s up (plus a few extra bits of gossip, exclusive to the mailing list). Just send me an email with ‘subscribe’ in the subject line.

RSS

   Digg

de.li.cious

facebook