You're in a fight with two big, strong people and in serious danger of getting your ass kicked. So, you employ a cunning strategy and use one to neutralise the other — basically you throw the one person at the other. Works like a charm. You'll thank me next time you're in a bar fight.

And why do I mention this in a column about celebrity gossip? Because, happily, this is precisely what the benevolent universe has done for us in having Jessica Alba marry her co-star in the Decidely Not 'Fantastic Four', namely, Cash Warren.

One actor of questionable smarts who starred in that prune of a film has been neutralised with… another actor of questionable smarts guilty of being involved in that self-same awful movie. Happy days.

And, on the subject of those of dubious intelligence — Kimberly Stewart. More specifically, Kimber is reportedly dating an eligible young bachelor. Well, he's an eligible bachelor at least. Uh, he's definitely a bachelor.

Believe it or not, Stewart has apparently been very recently spotted enjoying some, er, face time with… Jude Law.

But just how eligible is a bachelor whose fiancée ditched him because he did the nanny? I guess Jude does at least kind of qualify as young. It's his early first marriage and four kids that make him seem older than his mere 35 years.

Kim suffers from the opposite problem. Staggeringly, it turns out she's already 28. Yes, she's pushing 30 and is still entirely indistinguishable from a somewhat brainless teenager.

The delightful pair (Jumberly?) was reportedly seen out clubbing together in classy Essex, in England. "We couldn't believe it when we saw Kimberly Stewart snogging the face off Jude Law," says a traumatised but talkative onlooker. "They were going at it and barely came up for air." Aaaargh! That mental image just seared my poor brain.

Sure I'm in pain, but is newly-engaged Scarlett Johansson suffering even more? Are they just vicious, empty rumours — or did she behave like an uber-demanding diva and ask for a $8000 (well over R61 000)-a-day make-up artist and a suite at a special, inconveniently-located hotel; get turned down by the powers that be; and then snub her own new movie's Cannes première out of peevishness?

The alleged demands came despite the movie studio for her new Woody Allen flick 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona' apparently offering all the usual perks — free hair and make-up artists, shared with just the movie's other two female stars (Penelope Cruz and Rebecca Hall), more than enough designer dresses and outfits, luxury accommodations, etc., etc.

All hideous lies! claims rep-of-Scarlett. The real reason she didn't make her première? That would be "scheduling conflicts".