Please forgive me, dear readers. I know that, as a gossip columnist, I basically have a sacred moral duty never to let you go more than a few weeks without any Paris Hilton. Oh, how I wish I could fulfill this duty.

But Paris has taken her eye off the ball of whorish self-promotion. The only thing she's done lately is possibly have a minor argument with her boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt. Worse still, she's had that same block-like man of hers for some time now.

Surely this is the moment when you get engaged with a diamond bigger than your own brain, or break up amidst tears and intrigue? No, apparently now is the moment to bicker with that preppy, unprepossessing lug.

Luckily, another celeb caught the self-promotion ball when Hilton let it slip. Princess of the tight dress, Megan Fox, has been talking in public again — with the usual amusing results.

"Overall, in terms of this business, I hope to gain the status that will enable me to be truly and legitimately helpful to people," says a starry-eyed Meg. It is a fair ways from 'Transformers' to transforming the real world, but, hey, she's set herself a nice goal.

"I feel like that's my purpose in life, to do charity work and help people around the world on a global level." Hmm.

"Being part of this business, you have so much influence and you can really make a difference. I'm drawn towards the idea of somehow helping children." Up next? This lovely contesant will be appearing in... the swimsuit round!

I'm just kidding. Nowadays even beauty paegant contestants say more nuanced stuff about their charitable aspirations.

Hard to believe that 'Harry Potter' star Daniel Radcliffe is actually younger than Megan Fox. Somehow, though, he still manages to say things that don't make one visibly wince.

The latest from Dan? No, he will not be getting butt nekkid in the next 'Potter' installment.

Seriously, people really thought they were going to take this children's book series there? Well, an Italian mag reportedly quotes the director of the upcoming movie as saying that, "Daniel Radcliffe appears naked in one scene. In the view we see Harry and a woman embracing and kissing. It’s an intriguing scene and very sensual."

But something seems to have got lost in translation, since a Radcliffe rep has branded the whole thing a "complete fabrication."

Radcliffe did do nude scenes for his role in the play Equus, when it was most recently on Broadway, and the publicity photos looked good — but, come on, do you really want to see Harry Potter without any clothes on?

Okay, I can put it off no longer. It's time we talk about SA's cut-price Posh and Becks — Joost and Amor — and their sex-and mystery-white-powder-fuelled travails.

It's neither very smart, nor very honourable, to cheat on your spouse. Especially if you have kids. Unless, you know, you don't give a crap about how they're going to feel about your seriously messing up their lives.

But making a video of your shagging someone else, and then lying about it publicly for months — until you decide, hey, why not come clean just in time to promote my book? — well, that's a whole special level of idiocy.

On page two: How did the Joost scandal come as a shock?

Bitch and Famous Will Harry Potter go nude? And Trixy wonders how Amor didn't see Joost's infidelity coming…

A Christmas Carol This festive staple gets trotted out every year, but you've never seen a version like this one.

What was Joost thinking? Would somebody please tell me what the hell is going on in Joost van der Westhuizen's brain?