What do you dream of? Nipping over to Cannes on your private jet? Kissing Brad Pitt goodnight before you drift off to sleep in your luxurious mansion? Seeing your name emblazoned across the top of a million movie posters?

It's easy to develop a touch of star-envy when you have to get up every morning to go to work for a paycheque that doesn't typically cover the cost of jet-fuel.

Fear not, though — I'm here to help you kick those nasty thoughts (to borrow a line from Sir Mix-a-lot).

Take Paris Hilton. I mean, she's super-rich. She's young, and hot (-ish). She can get anything she wants, right?

Well, actually...

Paris has a valuable moral lesson to teach us this week. The hotel heiress wants to remind us that money and fame can't buy everything. And when I say 'everything', I mean any chance whatsoever of a genuine acting gig.

The one reason you perhaps should still be a little envious of her, though, is that Paris is quite happy, in spite of her limitations. Yes, she seems as blissfully unaware of her misfortune as that mad relative of yours who keeps telling you that they're totally going to be the next Donald Trump when their novelty shotglass business takes off.

To quote the good woman herself: "I've always preferred doing reality shows to acting because I can just be myself, but he's the director I'd do it for." (Wait — isn't this the same person who said: "I think a lot of people have seen me on 'The Simple Life' and think I'm a spoilt airhead. But I was playing a character.")

Who is this person who could fulfil Paris' acting dreams? Quentin Tarantino!

"I want to be his next 'Bride', like Uma Thurman in 'Kill Bill'."

Um, ja, no — I don't really think that's going to happen, Paris.

Why? So many reasons, really. Have you watched any of your own films? Then there's the fact that you parted ways with cinematic integrity before you even got your first movie role.

I think cinematic integrity fell, unnoticed, off the Hilton truck about 600km back. And I say this with the added confidence of someone who's just toughed out the first 15 minutes of 'National Lampoon's: Pledge This!'.

You might, quite reasonably, think it's actually more flaky than tough to stop watching a film after a mere quarter hour. But I'm guessing you've never seen 'Pledge This!'

Let me just say — were I Paris Hilton, I'd be significantly more embarrassed about having starred in this movie than in that sex tape. You probably think I'm just saying that for humorous effect. I'm not.

You probably still think I'm kidding. No. Really. I'm quite serious.

Now whatever one thinks of Tom Hanks' sometimes dodgy, typically light, film choices, there's no denying the man can act. Can he look as good as Hilton in a tight little swimming costume, though?

Uh, probably not.

But Tom's intent on changing all that — not least of all because he got rather freaked out by his friend Robin Williams' very recent emergency heart-valve op. Time to shape up.

Okay, now you get to wheel that star-envy back in. Because Hanks isn't just treating himself to the equivalent of some low-fat Woolies' meals…

In classic celeb tradition, he's hired a personal chef to do the kilojoule counting for him. And, wherever Tom goes, there too goes his new cook.

"Tom's new chef travelled with him on the 'Angels & Demons' press junket," claims an insider. "Robin's heart surgery really drove home the point to Tom that if he wants to enjoy middle age, he'd better start taking care of himself."

"At home, and on the road, his full-time meal maestro cooks steamed or broiled chicken, fish and lots of vegetables. Tom's favourite cookie-dough ice cream is now a no-no."

Yeah, cookie-dough-flavoured ice-cream is a really popular American thing. I'm not sure I get the lure of it myself.

Nor, quite honestly, do I see much of the lure of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. And I'm afraid their recent fixation with twittering every detail of their lives has hardly shot them up the Trixy charts.

Just lately, Demi gave her Twitter followers the exciting treat of seeing a pic she snapped of herself getting a missing front tooth repaired. Ooh.

There's hope, though — albeit it rather faint. Dem and Ash have pretty much promised to quit Twitter (and stop generating all these tabloid pseudo-stories about the constantly-updated, disillusioningly-dull minutiae of their daily lives...

That is, they've vowed to quit if Twitter go ahead with their rumoured plans for a reality show based on the site.

Apparently, the idea is for Twitter-fans to use the service, and the rest of the net, to track down celebs. How did they come up with something so exciting and novel?

"It's all fun and games until somebody gets stalked," tweets Ashton. Look, Kutcher, I get your point — but by that logic playing with a dog is all fun and games until it happens to get rabies, bite you, and you die.

Or, you know, endless Twittering about your personal life is all fun and games — until it encourages someone to stalk you.

Not that I'm endorsing this asinine TV idea. Heavens, no.

Bu-ut, then Moore goes and twitters this: "I hope this isn't true — if it is our Twitter time may come to a quick and sad end," and suddenly it doesn't seem that bad a concept after all.