So, Drew Barrymore and Justin Long are Hollywood's latest 'hmm' couple.

I guess Drew is technically A-list, if for no other reason than that she's only in her 30s and already a long-time Tinseltown vet who's managed not to land up in jail and still actually gets big-screen work. And Justin's star is clearly rising. Nonetheless, they're no Bennifer. Nor a Maniston, even.

Yet, they keep getting back together — now for, what, the third time? But, even though they were just spotted out publicly canoodling in Hollywood, they still seem to be more off than on at the moment.

Frankly, it's a relationship whose excitement-value wanes with every new piece of gossip about it. Soon even they won't care if they're together any more or not.

But, even though my interest in the seemingly ill-suited and bound-for-eventual-break-up couple is dim, studio bosses are banking on the fact that we'll pay to go see them together again on the big screen in — wait for it... a romantic comedy. What great mind made that conceptual leap?

Anyone who was sad to see them land up with other people in 'He's Just Not That Into You', will be better pleased with this rom-com about long-distance love.

Let's just hope, for their sake, that I suck as a barometer of watchability when it comes to Lala Land couples. Either way, though, I think execs can at least rest assured that they don't have another Bennifer on their hands.

Oh, Bennifer, how I miss you. You were all kinds of awesome — or, more accurately, awful. But how you entertained us, in your tac-tastic way.

Now, though, we have Miley Cyrus to guide us into a brave new world of kitsch.

She's no ordinary geegaw, though. No bobbing-headed dog or pink neon, light-up statuette of Our Lady is Miley. Nay — she has style, she has poise, she has... the star quality of Judy Garland?

Herwith, the words of director Peter Chelsom, on his first sighting of Cyrus, when she made an 'Oprah' appearance: "I was blown away. I just thought, you know there is no way this girl shouldn't be ranked with Shirley Temple or Judy Garland."

Only, one hopes, not in regards to Garland's whole drug-addled, early-death thing...

"I couldn't believe it," Chelsom gushed on. "It was like watching an evening with Barbra Streisand." Ooh, will the praise never stop?

"She was 15 for the whole making of the movie... Was Barbara doing that at 15? I don't think so." Nuh-uh! Barbra couldn't have dreamt of making this movie when she was 15.

But what is this cinematic tour de force of which Miley's director speaks?

It is... 'Hannah Montana: The Movie'. Yes, seriously. He was talking about the Hannah Montana film. No, I didn't make up those quotations as a belated April Fools joke.

And it just gets better. The king of sappy-novels-that-get-turned-into-tear-jerking-rom-drams himself — Nicholas Sparks (think 'The Notebook', 'Message in a Bottle', 'A Walk to Remember'... you get the idea) — has penned a flick especially for Miley.

"Nicholas Sparks wrote the movie 'The Last Song' for me and you never hear that the movie is written before the book," enthused Cyrus. "He wrote it with me in mind." Oh, yeah — it's awful seldom you hear of anyone in Hollywood hitching their wagon to a money-spinning act...

"I've always been lucky to play parts that relate to me and this doesn't at all. I have my issues, but not as bad as this chick [Miley's character in the movie], so I'm happy to play someone that's just kind of out there and not someone I like, so I can actually see if I'm a good actress or not. So we'll see how that goes!"

ZOMG! Proper acting, here I come!

In case you're wondering — the role in question is that of a rebellious teen, who has to go hang out with her estranged dad. The uniqueness of Sparks' vision is, well, inspiring.

Movies don't always inspire in the intended way, though. Who better to attest to that than parents?

Reese Witherspoon took her young uns to see a preview of her latest flick, 'Monsters vs. Aliens', to which she lent her voice. But what did the little Phillipe-Witherspoons get out of the animated film?

"My kids love this movie," says Reese. "I asked them what they thought the movie meant; what they thought the message was. My daughter said: 'You should never let anybody underestimate you', and I was like: 'Yeah, that's true!'

"Then I asked my son, and he said: 'If octopus aliens invade our planet you have to kill them'."

I like the young man's attitude. That's one five-year-old who won't sit by and watch the planet burn.

Of course, neither would Sigourney Weaver, who just topped Entertainment Weekly's poll of Top 20 Heroes — thanks to her incredible turns as Ellen Ripley in the 'Alien' franchise. Too bad for Arnie, Stallone ad Churck Norris — not to mention Van Damme, Bruce Willis, and Steven Seagal.

Pale, sensitive types more your thing? Then you'll be delighted to know that every teen's favourite vampire is on the market.

Robert Pattinson is the 'Twilight' lead whose fans are prone to screaming till they pass out, wherever in the world he makes an appearance — but adoring hopefuls should perhaps give up Beatle-mania thing and try a more stand-offish approach with this guy.

Long-distance love is apparently what Rob's after.

"It is hard," he says, of the geographically-challenged relationship, but I guess in someways being away from someone is always... if you really like them it makes, in a strange way, makes it better, because the more time you spend away the more you're thinking of them, the more you want to see them again."

"So I guess being away... not spending too much time with someone is always a good thing to do."

And how's he going to woo his far-away fling? "Doing little things that people do when they're with someone they like."

Informative.

I suppose, though, that when you've been interviewed so much in the past few months that you make LiLo seem media-shy by comparison, you're bound to pick up the fine art of using plenty of words to say very little at all.

More incisive cutting through star blithering — in next week's Bitch and Famous! And, if you want more gossip before then, just friend me on Facebook.