The Material Girl's divorce is being punted as the costliest in the history of celebrity splits, and Madonna and Guy Ritchie are fast racking up the tabloid inches.

Because, yeah, the dissolution of a couple's marriage is such a super-fun spectator sport. What will the forensic auditors find? How'll that estimated half-a-billion-dollar combined fortune be chopped up? Was there really no pre-nup?

Previous columns attest that I am, uh, not the giantest fan-o'-Madge. To say the least. But, call me squeamish — I'm thinking that when two people are going through one of the lousiest experiences of their adult lives, and they're taking three kids through it with them, perhaps those aren't even remotely tasteful questions to be delving into.

Far more newsworthy, in my world: the truly bizarre new bent of the Bond franchise. First they announce that they're nixing the tack-tastic 'Bond, James Bond' and 'shaken, not stirred' lines from the latest 007 instalment. Could Bond be slamming on the brakes just before it plunges into the abyss of awful? 'Casino Royale' actually gave me a flash of hope.

I've been forced to watch every single one of the Bond films. (The guilty party knows who he is. I've yet to exact a suitable revenge.) And, I think it's safe to say that, up until the latest one, I had about as much love for the series as a wild salmon does for marauding bears.

But, now — bam! — they're not just excising the cheese, the man playing Bond, himself, has actually referred to his character as a misogynist. Damn.

I guess 40-odd-years late is better than never. "I think Bond is as misogynistic as he always was," says the newest 007, Daniel Craig, "But the difference is that we try to cast great actresses playing strong women, who, if he misbehaves, will tell him to f**k off." One of those strong actress is, er, a model-turned-thespian — but let's not split hairs.

"Instead of it being a giggling girl in a bikini — and there's nothing wrong with giggling girls in bikinis; sometimes it's quite nice — there are women who challenge him," adds Dan.

It's just like if you have this really racist, white hero — it's totally okay if you cast strong black actors (or, you know, a model) opposite them. Totally okay.

Baby steps, I guess.

Changing tack now (well, not really, if you've caught the outfits in her new 'Womanizer' vid) — Britney's back!

True, Britney Spears has one of the worst mothers in the entertainment industry... I'm pretty sure that shopping around your tell-all book, which exposes your own child's personal life, to try to get said book made into a flick — and asking that you be played by Julia Roberts — officially counts as abysmal parenting. But, Brit's also back on top of the charts, and she's selling records hand over fist.

'Womanizer' jumped from 96th to 1st place in one week — the biggest leap in the history of the Billboard Hot 100 chart. And hundreds of thousands of (legal) downloads of the track have seen it break online sales records, too.

Welcome back, Princess of Pop — you were missed.

The King of Conquests is retiring, though. It's not that Jack Nicholson necessarily thinks those reported 2000 notches on his bedpost are quite enough — it's just that he feels discretion is the better part of decorum, now that he's 71. No more hitting on young lovelies in bars.

"It's not so nice when you are 71 and looking for some action. I feel uncomfortable doing it in the limelight — so from now on I'll do it when it's right," says a slightly more reticent Nicholson.

Still, seems that it's right often enough for Jack — "Happily, when it comes to girls hitting on me, I'm not undernourished."

Reese Witherspoon is more the settling-down kind. Her 1999 marriage to Ryan Phillipe was one of the youngest A-list marriages of the decade, and she's been with 'Rendition' co-star Jake Gyllenhaal since late '06.

Now, word is that Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese's huge LA home and is doing the family thing with her and Phillipe's two small children. Plus, there's talk they're even thinking of a move to the UK...

"He's very supportive," says Reese of Jake, to the US edition of Vogue. "Suffice it to say, I'm very happy in life, and I'm very lucky to have a lot of really supportive people around me who care very much for me, and, you know, that's all you can hope for in life. I am very blessed in that way."

Reese may be sweetly whitebread, but some of the less picket-fence members of the celeb world have gone the happily-ever-after route, as well. Sharon Osbourne has managed to have one of the great, enduring marriages of rock 'n' roll with her man Ozzy. And, though I'd stake a good deal of money on the fact that the Black Sabbath frontman has not been the driving force in this — Shazza has also had a good deal of plastic surgery. Not that she makes any bones about it.

What does rile the woman oft dubbed the 'Matriarch of Rock', is the number of her celeb sisters doing the 'Botox? Who - me? Never!' thing.

"Oh, my God! Those liars! I hate them! Those bitches!" exclaims an enraged Sharon in a US talkshow interview. "They are like: 'I didn't do anything'. Meanwhile, their eyebrows are here!" she says, gesturing to her forehead.

"Nicole Kidman's forehead looks like a f**king flatscreen TV! How big is that forehead?"

Ja, let's just say that if Kidman isn't a fan of the Botulism-in-the-face routine, they're also a whole lot of pigs in danger of being sucked into jet engines or having collisions with hot-air balloons.

Botox, I don't understand. Nor have I ever understood why everyone thought Liz Hurley's safety pin dress was startlingly daring, cool or (it defies belief) sexy. I did not understand it back in 1994 when she wore it. I do not understand it now.

Nonetheless, Liz has just topped a UK poll of the best red carpet stars of all time — for wearing that dress.

Nope — that Versace gown doesn't just look like a stripper fantasy in black and gold because it's from the first half of last decade. It looked every inch as unremarkably tacky back then. But, the world evidently saw, and still sees, something I'm blind to.

And, so, once again, the dress that taste forgot has Hurley in the headlines. I do love Liz, but I think we all know she is to acting what that outfit is to elegance — and, for its part in getting her onto the silver screen, I think it's time the house of Versace made amends.

More loathsome clothes on lithesome stars — in next week's Bitch and Famous!