Poor Kate Moss and her boyf (yet another) rocker, Jamie Hince, had to flee to party-Mecca Ibiza to escape an apparent flea infestation in her London home. It's a hard life — forced to go on a luxury holiday by your flea-ridden Persian cats.

"Jamie and Kate are covered in red spots," says an insider, "and Kate won't touch him until it clears up." Uh, she does know that you can actually catch fleas from flea bites, doesn't she? No mention of how Kate's small daughter Lila Grace is faring...

Jessica Alba has an even smaller daughter, Honor, and — to my eternal disappointment — she will not be retiring to a ranch somewhere in the back of beyond to raise her young un' and, uh, bottle jam or something. No, she's insistent on once again tarnishing the silver screen with her formidable lack of acting talent.

Even better than that? She's getting back into film by playing a maths genius. Oh, sweet mother of all that's holy, how I wish I were joking.

The unimaginably ill-cast Alba will be starring as, "a young woman who has retreated into the world and is consumed by number and math". Retreated into the world? What does that even mean? Kill. Me. Now.

I can't say I've really been feeling Scarlett Johansson's recent performances, either, but she's still going to have to give up all hopes of rivalling Jessica's acting vacuum. Sorry, Scarlett. Worse still, she's not even going to be able to out-do all her celeb peers in the tabloid-wedding/baby-photos stakes. Johansson is vowing not to go the OK! mag 15-page glossy photo spread route for her wedding to Ryan Reynolds.

That idea, "sounds awful" to the 23 year old. "Actually, I'm a private person," says Scarlett, "so, obviously, I'm pretty sure our wedding will be as private as possible."

Keira Knightley also wouldn't mind a little privacy. She's even had friends ask her not to come out to join them, because they can't stand the paparazzi hordes that follow her every move, and it's only getting worse.

"I know that I am very lucky," acknowledges Knightley, "but sometimes the intrusion is a very predatory force. When you are leaving your front door and paparazzi who are a lot bigger than you are shouting: 'You're a whore' to try and make you cry — that obviously is not great"

"I am told by a lot of the paparazzi who follow me that they are helping my career but, by that logic, Paris Hilton should be the biggest box-office catch in the world and she isn't." I'm thinking the attempt to apply logic to this argument is where you went wrong, Keira.

More isn't always better — just witness the box-office meltdown that was Bennifer. "It is not good for any actor when your life becomes the story because, in your acting work, you are trying to tell a different story," explains Knightley. "What's more, there is actual proof that if actors get too much attention, people just don't go and see the film. That sort of over-exposure is something to be wary of."

Josh Hartnett is especially wary of over-exposure after that reportedly sex-in-the-hotel-library incident I mentioned last week. Word is that Josh is suing the The Daily Mirror, as the origin of the story, because Hartnett denies anything of the kind ever happened.

"It's incredible the stories they [the UK media] come out with," says Josh — over in London acting on the West End. "In the States at least they have to make a call to a representative and try to make a reality out of the situation. Over here they just make things up." And Josh is suing them now for damages and an apology.

It's not easy being a star, but it's easy to keep up with them — in next week's Bitch and Famous!