So apparently Todd won. Somehow. I would tell you exactly how but thanks to the crack-smoking team at the SABC3 office, THEY SKIPPED THE GODDAMN FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE REUNION!

Yes, it seems the SABC is in such dire financial straits, they had to sell off bits of the 'Survivor' finale for drug money. Unfortunately, instead of selling off the parts no-one cares about, like the fifteen-minute 'previously' sequence, they decided to get rid of the most important part of the entire finale.

Don?t worry, I?m sure the culprit at the SABC will be severely dealt with. He will probably be fired for this. And handed a R11 million severance package.

I could spend the rest of this column complaining about the SABC but what fun would fifteen straight pages of obscenities and CAPSLOCK be? Besides, I?m sure that anything I come up with will pale in comparison to your own obscenities you screamed at the television while watching.

Previously on Survivor: blah blah blah, stuff happened. Lots of stuff. SABC3 did not advertise that Survivor was starting half an hour earlier than usual. Courtney, Todd, Denise, and Amanda made it to the final four. It was a wild ride.

Because Mark Burnett is still under the mistaken impression that a final three is more exciting than the final two, the first challenge of the episode was a Reward Challenge instead of the once traditional Immunity Challenge. The RC involved the Tiny Wall of China, which is like the legoland version of the more famous Great Wall. Amanda won and got to enjoy some pizza and brownies. Jeff gave her the option of sharing the food and she chose Todd so she could keep an eye on him.

This dredged up some painful childhood memories for Denise of always being the last picked. Luckily she had a bartender there to pour her heart out to. You know, people might have second thoughts about sharing their troubles with bartenders after watching Courtney in action in season.

Before I knew it, it was time for the ?Fallen Comrades? walk of flashbacks. It?s just like the dead people montage at an awards show, only no-one?s actually dead or talented. As if people like Chicken and Dave weren?t unbearable enough the first time. Speaking of Dave, according to his flashback, his strategy was to be ?highly likeable?. I?d rate this plan as having been slightly less successful than Hitler?s invasion of Russia.

Some flashbacks later, the survivors gathered in front of the statue of the Chinese goddess of pointless filler to participate in the final IC. The challenge was to balance some china (from China! So clever!) until all other competitors died of heatstroke. The challenge came down to Amanda and Denise. Denise was looking wobbly. Amanda was looking like a robot. An Amandroid, if you will. Denise tried to make a deal with the Amandroid but she refused. One final wobble later and Amandroid claimed her spot in the final three.

Everyone was suddenly very appreciative of Amanda now that she had the power. Denise, poor creature that she was, tried to escape the inevitable by arguing how crappy her life was. Argumentum ad Patheticum is the Latin term for this, I believe. Amanda looked sad and pouty. Well, poutier than usual. She reassured Denise (or so the editing would have you believe) that she had nothing to worry about in the next TC. But for all her poutiness, has Amanda ever let emotion get in the way of her devious plans? Was she really going to start now?