Aahh...the miracle of life. The world heaves a collective sigh of joy as Nicole Kidman pops out her first baby and mothers-to-be around the world suddenly find the somewhat bizarre moniker Sunday Rose very attractive. Hell, it could even work for a boy.

Ancient civilizations had pantheons of gods. We have celebrities. The modern fascination with the celebrity has reached mythological proportions. Not only are we intrigued by the idiosyncrasies of the celeb and their romantic exploits, we are freakishly fascinated by their offspring.

Yes, babies. For nine months the public watches enthralled as the 'baby bump' grows; speculation circulates about the foetus' father, gender and possible deformation; and then in a climactic frenzy of photographic excess The Baby is born. For a select few it stops here. For the rest ? a post-mortem of their parenting skills and post-baby figures.

It is all rather sad really. Brangelina's hallowed offspring, Shiloh Nouvel, had a wax replica in Madame Tussauds before she had been on earth one complete year. Seriously, all baby Jesus got was a few old wise men, some gold, frankincense and myrrh and he was pegged to save mankind.

And while you've got to feel just a little bit sorry for these icons of popular culture ? no one likes to be hounded by paparazzi or labelled a bad parent because everyone sees a picture of the one time they accidentally drop their baby on its head ? there are times, when said celebs are maybe just the teensiest bit deserving of all the publicity they get.

Parents behaving badly

Poor old Britney Spears has been branded a bad mum for all manner of sins from partying panty-less (somewhat irrelevant) to accidentally dropping her son as she lifted him out of his high-chair (it could happen to anyone) to driving on the highway with her son Sean sitting on her lap.

Okay so the last one was pretty bad, but not nearly as irresponsible as Michael Jackson dangling his young son Prince from the balcony of his hotel room. His excuse? He was "caught up in the moment". Ah, which moment exactly would that be? The mafia 'tell me where the money is' moment? The 'stop screaming you little brat' moment? Or perhaps he was just playing a little game of 'upsie daisy' that gravitated over the balcony.

While little Prince will no doubt be permanently scarred by his brief introduction to the joys of bungi jumping, he is not the only tiny tot to bear the brunt of deviant parental behaviour. Lila Grace, Kate Moss' daughter, watched her mother snorting lines of cocaine with her dodgy boyfriend and Courtney Love admitted to doing heroin whilst pregnant. Nice.

Rock 'n roll? Check. Drugs? Check. Sex? Ah yes, all that remains is the lecherous parent. Gross, but sadly true. Commenting on the possibility of his daughter posing naked for Playboy, Donald Trump said the following about Ivanka: "She does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." Mmm? somehow this doesn't quite have the same ring to it as 'My daughter is very pretty'.

And who could forget dear old Woody Allen? Woody had an affair with and eventually married his 'step-daughter' Soon-Yi Previn who is 35 years his junior. At the time, he was involved in a 12-year relationship with Mia Farrow, who was the adoptive mother of Soon-Yi Previn. The relationship was revealed when Farrow discovered nude photographs of Soon-Yi Previn (who was 21 at the time) in Allen's apartment.

Unfortunate monikers

Being the kid of a celeb means that you'll probably get all the toys you want, a truckload of psychological baggage and an...um?original moniker. It would seem that celebs, in a demonstration of their uniqueness and creativity are incapable of naming their children Tom, Dick or Harry. With the exception of course of George Foreman, who in a display of complete narcissism named his kids George I, II, II, IV, V, VI and Freeda George.

So, everyone knows that Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter is called Apple, but she isn't the first to name her child after something that grows on a tree. Sir Bob Geldof's daughter Peaches Honeyblossom is joined by sisters Fifi-Trixibelle and Little Pixie. Michael Hutchene bestowed the mouthful Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily on his daughter, while Jamie Oliver called his girls Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo. Cute, but what happens when they hit 10?

Sylvester Stallone has a son called Sage Moonblood (mmm? perhaps in his Rocky/Rambo stage) and three daughters who share a middle name: Sophia Rose, Sistine Rose and Scarlet Rose.

Moving on to the slightly more bizarre, Frank Zappa's children are named Dweezil, Diva Muffin, Rodan and Moon Unit. Comedian Penn Jillette went for Moxie Crimefighter and Zolten, while Nicholas Cage opted for Superman's Kryptonian name Kal-el. Actress Shannon Sossamon called her kid Audio Science and actor Jason Lee bestowed Pilot Inspektor on his unsuspecting child.

It doesn't matter how famous your mum or dad is, the other kids are going to laugh when you say your name is Dweezil or Audio Science. Adults may snigger too.

And so, what can we expect from these little bundles of joy we monitor so avidly? Perhaps Shiloh will turn out to be the most beautiful person in the world?ever. And perhaps Kal-el will team up with Moxie Crimefighter to save the world. But chances are they'll just be normal kids with a few more hang-ups, addictions and toys than everyone else.