M Night Shyamalan, who has never matched 'The Sixth Sense', likes to make up bedtime stories for his daughters: “The way I tell stories to my kids is very freeform — whatever pops into my head and comes out of my mouth.”

That’s how ‘The Lady In The Water’ started out. And it shows.

He tries to hide that he originally made up the tale as he went along — by having his characters (and, therefore, the audience) unravel the plot as they go along — but the heavy-handed tactic only highlights just how clunky his latest film is.

So we're left with a Narf (or water nymph) from The Blue World (or sea) who must help mankind rediscover the true meaning of life.

It's all a bit wet really…

As is 'Poseidon'.

Wolfgang Petersen's $160-million movie is an endless cycle of rising water, daring escape, fireball, daring escape, rising water, daring escape. The monotony is occasionally broken by the death of a secondary character, a shot of the ship sinking ever deeper into the water, or piles of dead bodies — as if to remind us we're watching a disaster movie.

But the only real disaster is the film itself...

Best Bond. In a really long time

'Casino Royale' is hardly what we've come to expect from the 007 franchise.

The physics-defying stunts are, instead, gritty, almost plausible action sequences. There's no explosive toothpaste or invisible car. And the smarmy, indestructible hero with the cheesy one-liners is now a mere mortal, who hurts, bleeds and messes up — badly.

Daniel Craig is a revelation. Blowing his detractors away with a fiery performance that's parts brash arrogance, impulsive hothead, spoilt child, heartless cad, insecure loner and sensitive confidante, the actor effortlessly transforms the character we've grown to know over 40 years.

Biggest SA film. Ever

Sure, it won an Oscar, but 'Tsotsi' really didn’t need the gold statue to prove its quality — the film did so all by itself.

"It takes a certain kind of film to dance on both sides of a moral issue, while at the same time remain taut, beautiful and utterly compelling. 'Tsotsi' is such a film," said our reviewer.

"'Tsotsi' is a film that will make you question issues like the roots of crime and racism in this country.

"But it's mostly a simple story, purely South African but universal too, in its themes of loss, rebirth and love as key to unlocking the innate goodness of every human being.

See it — you won't forget it."

Most ridiculous

"Plane hostage scenarios are scary. Movies about snakes are scary. But 'Snakes on a Plane' isn't," reckoned our reviewer. Not even pythons and cobras and adders on a frenzied killing rampage in a jumbo jet, boobs, people being bitten in a variety of "funny" places before dying in a suitably gory display of blisters and froth, or Samuel L. Jackson delivering one of his famous mother f*%#*ing lines, can save this film from crash-landing.

Most political

George Clooney's 'Good Night and Good Luck', about a legendary 1950s TV journalist tackling a powerful Senator, is a true-life drama that intelligently and articulately investigates the power of the media, the danger of unchecked political power and the public's responsibility to hold their leaders accountable.

For all its tight direction, lean writing, assured acting and loving recreation of 1950s broadcasting, Clooney's film is essentially a call to arms, a call for change.

But it's far more than crude bandwagon Bush-bashing or a political cheap shot — 'Good Night, and Good Luck' is political film-making with subtlety, intellect and power.

Best faux documentary not really from Kazakhstan

Retiring his Ali G alter-ego, Sacha Baron Cohen took his creation of Kazakh journalist Borat Sagdiyev to record numbers at cinemas and law courts the world over.

"The film blurs the line between staged scenes and those in which Borat accosts Americans and elicits genuine responses, but either way the picture which the movie paints of your average American citizen is not a pretty one.

Bigoted, racist and sexist these individuals let down their guards and show their true colours to a man they believe to be more backward, racist and sexist than themselves," offered our reviewer.

"Damn funny, ‘Borat’ is definitely worth watching, unless of course you are sensitive about any of the following issues: sexism, racism, mental handicaps, homosexuals, Judaism, Islam, Christianity, America, Kazakhstan, cruelty to animals, rape, prostitution…" Jagshamesh!

Best movie about gay cowboys

"Despite the media hype and expected controversy, 'Brokeback Mountain' remains at the core a beautifully told and powerful love story," said our reviewer. "That it happens to be a love between two men, and two cowboys (who don't fit into the gay stereotype) should ideally be incidental, but is a fact that is sadly also central to the film."

Apart from Ang Lee's tight direction, most of the credit must go to its stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal.

"It is the characters (especially an incredible Ledger) that really give this film its power. Both Ledger and Gyllenhaal capture the frustration and loneliness associated with forbidden love, as their feelings each other intensify while they are unable to express it in homophobic middle America — it's this acting, coupled with the betrayal to each of the men's families, that make 'Brokeback' a haunting, heart-wrenching film."

Most rock 'n roll

Few musicians come close to Johnny Cash in the hardcore stakes. Don't laugh. Watch 'Walk the Line', instead.

"Poor boy finds fame, goes off the rails, leaves his wife, gets arrested, then finally finds happiness. It's an age-old story, and one that could easily become a cynical attempt to capitalise on a dead icon's fame, but this film's intensity, backed by a formidable cast, and wrapped up in the classic boom-chicka-boom sound that Cash made famous, has class written all over it," said our reviewer.
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