Our 'hill' doesn't look very much like a table and our red wines are 'shit', says Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson.

Oh, and the Department of the Obvious named all of Cape Town?s landmarks, he says.

Clarkson, speaking at the premiere of the MPH Top Gear Live show, said: "Somebody came along and said: 'Oh look, here's a bay that's all sandy, what shall I call it? Sandy Bay! And here's a beach that's full of boulders. I wonder what we should name that'."

It's apparent that Clarkson isn't completely serious about everything he says and we're just getting one of his usual good-natured ribbings about the corner of the world we live in. He later notes that the Western Cape is probably one of the most beautiful places in the world and we should be grateful for the fact that we live here.

However, he insists that our red wines really are rubbish. I later hear from one of the hosts that the problem is that some genius decided the BBC staff really don't have any class and has supplied them with some of the cheapest brands available whenever Clarkson and his crew are here on tour.

It serves us right then that he thinks we're no good at growing grapes and turning them into something even vaguely palatable.

Richard Hammond, lovingly referred to by Clarkson as a "poncy, short, Midlands Englishman", fears that his Top Gear co-presenter is going to get himself lynched one of these days because of his outspokenness.

"Oh no, don't start on the wine again," he says as he palms his face.

Clarkson is having a tough time focusing on the task at hand because he is constantly distracted by the local women. In the middle of Hammond's explanation about one of the acts in the show, a woman in our crowd stands up and heads to the exit, presumably for a bathroom break. Clarkson immediately grabs a camera from the nearest camera man and chases her down the ramp, trying to get the lens as close to her cleavage as possible

"Thank goodness my cock fell off in the icy sea here, or else there really would be trouble," he explains. This is, in fact, Clarkson's way of complementing South Africa's female population.

However, he is not as kind about BMW drivers. The Z4, he says, is not great because its keys spend most of their time in a jug. To explain this he turns to a woman nearby. "Do you own a Z4?" he asks, and gets a reply in the negative. "And do you go to wife-swapping parties?" he quickly adds, to which he receives another "No".

"There you go then," Clarkson beams, satisfied he has proven his point that drivers of top-end BMWs are all swingers.

If it hadn't been for the fact that we eventually had to go home and get some sleep, I suspect Clarkson and Hammond could have gone on into the wee hours of the morning, such is their rapport.

The MPH show is equally as entertaining. It is a display of precision driving, cars on fire and plenty of audience interaction. There was also a chance to see some of the most expensive, and exotic, vehicles in the world.

Of course, the show wasn't complete without a guest appearance by 'The Stig', neatly clothed, as always, in white leathers and helmet.

Thanks to the fact that I was there as a guest of General Motors, I was able to speak to people directly involved with the show and was somewhat stunned when they offered to reveal Stig's identity.

I am now among the privileged few who can confidently state that they know exactly who The Stig is, but have been sworn to secrecy to maintain the mystery of Top Gear. What I can say is this: It's definitely not Formula One star Michael Schumacher and Top Gear fans would indeed be surprised to know the truth.