I'm very much in the Christmas spirit already. I've got Christmas lunch all planned out, have been stockpiling decorations for my little tree (unlike most shopping malls, I don't put up my decorations in October) and have been frantically on the hunt for those "perfect" gifts.

Over cappuccino and a muffin, I wondered what celebrities would be getting in their Christmas stockings this year— and then what they should be getting. All in good fun, of course.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
What do you give the power couple who literally has everything? I reckon the one thing (Brad in particular) must be dying for is a Time Out. Most parents will attest to the fact that some special time is needed in order to keep their relationship healthy, and I'm sure with six young kids that Time Out is way overdue for Brangelina. My suggestion — A compulsory, kid-free weekend away somewhere nice and quiet. Preferably where they can't find any more children to adopt.

Nicolas Cage
Despite starring in literally dozens of movies over the past few years (seriously, he's been in everything!) Nicolas Cage has managed to whittle away his personal fortune to the point where he's suing his former financial manager for not warning him that if you buy four islands, dozens of homes and a fleet of cars that you won't have any money left. (Apparently the global economic meltdown is something that happened to us lesser mortals). Time to start up those savings again, my friend. My gift to Nic: a piggy bank. One of those cute little pink ones with big eyes.

Joost van der Westhuizen
You didn't really think I'd let Joost escape this, did you? Ah, Joost. After starring in that tape with that woman, the festive possibilities were endless. A video recorder so he could make his own tapes? A book with big writing and pictures with a title like 'Why Lying is Bad'? A big pointy stick so he could go after the editor of heat? Nah, Joost seems to be trying very hard to clean up his act — so more sex tapes and random acts of violence probably won't help. So in the great South African tradition — a nice new pack of undies from Mr. Price, with maybe a nice pair of socks. And pepper spray to fend off those pesky journalists insistent on ruining his life.

Jude Law
Earlier on this year, one of Jude Law's flings emerged out of the woodwork and claimed that she was pregnant with his child. Jude — as almost any celebrity would do — threw his arms up in the air and demanded a paternity test. (Fair enough). It turned out that he was to be the proud father of a child by Samantha Burke — a daughter who has since been welcomed into the world and named Sophia. For Jude, nothing more or less than a 12-pack of extra-safe condoms. With important bits highlighted on the instruction insert.

Robert Pattinson
The British actor who shot into super-super-stardom playing the beautiful vampire Edward Cullen in The Twilight Saga movies can't even step out of his front door without being mobbed. The fans and the tabloids can't get enough of Robert Pattinson, who must desperately wish he could just get on with his life without being screamed at by a legion of hysterical females. At first I thought about getting him a security squad to rival those who surround people like Madiba and Barack Obama, but I needed something that could fit under his Christmas tree, and those dudes tend to be pretty burly. Then I figured he could make use of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak — but I think Daniel Radcliffe would fight tooth and nail to keep it. So... a mask. One that makes him look like somebody a lot less famous. Like Tom Cruise, or something.

Kanye West
I don't think anybody will ever forget the great VMA moment. Kanye West making as big an idiot of himself as humanly possible. Quick recap: Teenage star Taylor Swift won an award for Best Female Video. Kanye grabbed the mic and said that Beyonce should have won the award for having one of the "best videos of all time". Cue millions of people giving Kanye the evil eye. So for Kanye West? a heavy duty roll of duct-tape. So that a) his minders can ensure that he stays silent at big events and b) he can start sticky-taping his shattered career back together.

What should other celebs get in their Christmas stockings? Should Tiger Woods get a set of golf clubs or a pack of condoms? Chris Brown could probably do with anger management classes. And what would you get Lady Gaga? Wigs and outlandish make-up? Have your say below!