With cinemas trying to squeeze in as many paying customers into each movie showing as possible, space is limited. More than limited, in fact. The knee-to-seat ratio is round about the size of a postage stamp, and people are inevitably invading your personal space.

So, for the sanity of all concerned, there are a few rules that need to be adhered to. Similar to the rules governing behaviour in planes and waiting rooms, there is "cinema etiquette".

Gah! I'm blind!

As a group of individuals, we seem to have grasped the 'turn your cellphones on silent' rule at the cinemas. Well done, us. And if somebody's cellphone does go off during the movie, I take pleasure in knowing they're dying of embarrassment while trying to find out which pocket their phone is in. So I can deal with that.

No, what gets to me are the movie texters. You know who you are. You feel your phone vibrate, you absolutely have to know who texted you (like, the world will totally implode if you don't) and so you take out your fancy-schmancy phone… and I'm blind. The screens on most cellphones are so bright that even if you are sitting fifteen rows in front of me I will still be distracted by it. And possibly able to read your sms. And I will, too. Leave it. The message can wait.

Ssshhhhhh!

People are social creatures. I get it. People enjoy communicating. But there are a few hundred other people in the cinema who want quiet. Nobody wants to have to listen to your conversations — whether you're taking a private call or having a gossip with your mate. I went to a movie recently where there was a tweenie-bopper who not only answered her phone in the cinema, but then proceeded to lean over between her knees to have a conversation with her boyfriend. Her position meant that she yelled her entire conversation into my left ear so that she could be heard over the actors on screen.

After said tweenie-bopper finished her conversation, she turned to her overexcited tweenie-bopper friend and proceeded to relate the entire conversation in loud, excited tones. When I turned around to ask them to stop yammering, they obliged by lowering their voices. To an excited hiss. Oh, the joys.

If you absolutely have to take the call, get up and leave. It's that simple. Nobody's stopping you. Just have some consideration.

Pass the popcorn

The pet hate of moviegoers for generations. Crinkly wrappers. (Well, this and inappropriate popcorn-crunchers). There is always one person who has a crinkly wrapper at the cinema, and who insists on opening it at the worst possible moment: The hero's final words, the love scene, the tear-jerker. Pick another moment - a loud, action-filled scene. A screaming match. A loud musical montage. There's guaranteed to be at least one.

Or open your sweets before the movie starts. Like, in the three hours of trailers we're forced to sit through. (If I see the trailer to 'New Moon' one more time…) I don't even buy things with crinkly wrappers anymore — it's too stressful. I try pick my moment carefully, but by that stage my hands are too sweaty to get a grip on the packet… and I'm doomed.

On page two: Kids at the cinema, and squeezing out during the movie

TAR: Bombay's away! This week's destination was Mumbai, and things couldn't go worse for the Big Friendly Goths.

The Six Deadly Sins Put down the cellphone. Step away from the sweet wrapper. We discuss cinema etiquette.

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