So you want to be famous? Maybe you're already vaguely known on the party circuit in Jozi and hang with all the bands, or you're trying to make your mark on the already saturated Los Angeles circle. Well, we've compiled a few tips to make it onto the celeb hotlist.

The quickest, most hassle free way to become famous is to date — preferably marry — someone really famous. Don't worry, it won't have to be for very long — look at Amy Winehouse's classy choice for a husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. That marriage hardly lasted longer than a bottle of cheap wine, and now Blake has interviews every other week and a legion of paparazzi following his every move. If you're absolutely desperate for instant fame, date somebody of the same sex. Hey, it worked for Lindsay Lohan's lovergirl Samantha Ronson.

Pick a talent

Unfortunately, you'll have to develop some sort of talent — singing, acting, looking pretty, or playing sport. Look at Joost van der Westhuizen, Tiger Woods, Cristiano Ronaldo. Be aware that most of these you don't need to be particularly good at — just enough so that people don't cringe the moment you open your mouth. Focus on one — try not to spread yourself too thin. No, you're not a 'triple threat' if you can sing, act and model — you're diluted.

Focus on your audience. Join Twitter to 'talk' to your fans — or get your personal assistant to do so. Join Facebook and spam your fans with a list of your appearances. Create a blog dedicated to you, you and more you. The more your fans get to know you, the more likely you are to become a superstar. Hit celeb-infested parties and snap photos of you with other celebrities. Then caption them with things like 'Colin Moss and I goofing around at the snack bar' and 'Jenny Aniston is such a honey!!!!! We had such a great time together!' Fame by association.

Join a reality TV show

Participate in a reality TV show, a la Susan Boyle. South Africa's got your talent, right? Or join 'Big Brother Africa', 'Survivor' or something else that's got some running time. Then ensure you don't get voted off in the first episode. Nobody remembers Sonja Christopher, right? (Incidentally, she was the first ever contestant voted off in 'Survivor').

Spend that little bit of extra cash to hire a decent publicist. One who can (and will) get you into the biggest parties, organise you a spot in the new Nando's ad commercial or have you running for the ANC Youth League (let's be honest, Julius Malema gets more airtime in South Africa than Brangelina and their sixteen kids). Young Julius is proof that once you've hit the big leagues you can pretty much get away with saying anything and still maintain your fanbase.

Drop some names

Turn yourself into a walking, talking billboard. Drop designer's names into every conversation — "Well, I went into Gavin Rajah the other day while I was wearing my new Jimmy Choos and carrying my cute little Prada clutch bag after I'd just had dinner with Stiaan Louw and Nkhensani, you know, she started Stoned Cherrie, who by the way do these absolutely gorgeous little dresses…" Irritating to your normal friends, but as you start hitting more of the bigger parties (and you must start hitting the bigger parties) eventually people will start asking you to promote their brand. Don't believe me? How do you think Paris Hilton got famous?

Release a sex tape

Okay, well, we know how Paris Hilton got famous. And to be completely honest, you never become entirely famous until you have completed this last step: release a sex tape. Obviously don't market it on the internet - at first - but organise to have an ex-boyfriend (or a one night stand, or that stripper you picked up after 15 tequilas and something that you think was called a Brain Hemorrhage) leak your home movie over the web. If you can't quite find somebody who is willing to go that extra mile, carefully place your sex tape 'accidentally' on top of your garbage heap, carefully marked in permanent marker with something classy like 'Sharon and John's dirty weekend' or 'NASTY stuff'. If you have children of reading age around, mark it 'Important stuff' or 'Private' (and then hope aforementioned children have been brought up correctly and won't touch other people's stuff).

Recruit a gossipy friend

Ensure that you have one particularly large-mouthed friend who is willing to provide gossip websites and magazines with juicy titbits.. 'A close friend of John Smith says that the actor has struggled with heroin since…'

And once you've risen to the top box, it won't hurt to have a large and very public meltdown to keep yourself in the news. Just as Mischa Barton started fading into obscurity (again), she was checked into a hospital under the same code which Britney Spears made famous by her nervous breakdown in 2008. Also, you're not 100% A-list until you've dabbled in some drugs, have more than one drink at the bar on a Saturday night and then check into rehab for undisclosed treatment.