The glitzy Hollywood award season has, once again, strutted its way onto the social calendar. Oh, the glamour! Oh, the suspense! Oh, the great big pile of stinky excrement. Yes folks, behind the sparkly dresses and improbably attractive people is the inescapable truth that those gushing thanks and tears play dress up for a living.

Yes. Dress up.

Ah, but wait, before you scoff disparagingly, consider this dilemma: if faced with an eight-armed alien on a desert island with nothing but a paperclip, who would you rather be with? A Nobel-winning scientist or a hot blonde actress who knows how to pacify aliens with paperclips, whilst wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini? Yip, I thought so.

Essentially, the Oscars are there to remind us that the movie industry plays a pivotal role in educating the masses. We've put together a few invaluable life-lessons.

When in danger...

  • Your car will not start

  • If you are female (and scantily clad) you will probably trip or be attacked by a deadly reptile.

  • Jumping off a very tall building is perfectly safe as long as there is a pool for you to land in or a glass ceiling to break your fall.

  • Don't stress if you are faced with a bomb big enough to blow the entire city to smithereens. You will cut the right wire. Every time. Failing this (should you not have enough time to assess the wires), you will be able to outrun the bomb.

  • Try to be white (Michael Jackson is proof that this can be done), because white people tend to last longer.

    • When in a car chase?

  • If you are being chased by a car, run in a straight line in front of the car. Everyone knows that jumping out of the way is futile.

  • If you are in a car that veers off the road, rolls, or is hit by a few stray bullets, your best bet is to throw yourself out of the door/window. If not, the inevitable explosion will bring your life to an abrupt end.

  • When in a chase, feel free to drive at a high speed down the pavement or to weave through (unbelievably slow) oncoming traffic. No one will be injured, but you may accidentally destroy a news/fruit stand.

    • When in love?

  • The best expression of love is a carefully choreographed song and dance. Don't worry, everyone else already knows the words/steps and will join in unabashedly. Yes, even if you are dancing through the streets of rural Kazakhstan.

  • Remember: the good guy always gets the girl. Hot girls always see the error of their ways and ditch that muscle-bound chap for the more sensitive nice guy. Failing this, the ugly girl actually turns out to be a superhot babe beneath her nerdy exterior. Either way, you win.

    • When in a fight?

  • Guns don't need to be reloaded.

  • Most villains are terrible shots, and no matter how much ammo is fired, you probably won't be hit.

  • If you are shot, it'll probably be in the shoulder. Luckily, gunshot wounds very seldom disable you and, following a brief grimace, you should be kicking butt again.

  • Your enemies will prefer to attack you one at a time. They will patiently wait their turn while you defeat their friends with your superior martial arts skills.

  • Villains like to explain themselves. This should give you enough time to devise a cunning and highly improbable escape. It also provides a good opportunity to deliver witty one-liners that demonstrate your fearlessness.

  • If you kill the villain, make sure that you do it properly. Do whatever it takes ? removing the head from the body and setting it alight will probably cover all your bases. Failing this, the tenacious scoundrel will find a way to defy death simply to come back and kill you.

    • When saving the day?

    Remember that:

  • Landing a plane is easy for anyone who has ever played any video game.

  • Paperclips have more than one use. They can pick locks in a jiffy?and pacify that eight-armed alien.

  • Defibrillation is the standard medical procedure in any emergency.

    • When faced with a vat of nuclear waste?

  • Jump right on in. Go on, you're the next superhero just waiting to happen?